I had grand visions for the night.
I would fold and put away the clean laundry that had been
sitting in a basket for a better part of the week, I would catch up on reading blog
posts, and work on my book outline. I
would shampoo my carpets and clean the bathtub that had been taken over by soap
scum. I would take care of the bills and
return every unreturned email sitting in my inbox, some of which dated back to
C. was taking my kids for the night, all three, a gesture
which was both brave and generous. When I called her a few weeks back, bitching
about not having a minute to get things done, she understood, and offered the
sleepover as a solution.
I don’t know about you, but I have lists, not one, but many.
There is my weekly calendar and my daily to do list and the things I want to
get to in the next month and other things I want to get to in the next
year. There are my lists that are organized
by subject, such as shopping lists and lists of potential blog posts, a to-do
list to get me ready for my business trip next weekend.
Here are what my lists look like:
I sometimes interrupt a meditation to throw something on a
list, even though that kind of defeats the purpose of meditation. Yet I’m
afraid I’ll forget what needed to be done before I finish…and that the world
will fall apart because of it.
I have lists in the car and lists on the kitchen counter and
lists by my laptop.
Not only do I have lists, but I like to get things
Ok, let’s be honest.
I just plain get off on getting things done.
I thrive on the sense of accomplishment I get when I can strike
things off a list.
Not to mention, there is a sense of security in “getting
things done,” which, of course, my root chakra greatly appreciates.
When I get home from C.’s, I hop on the computer. My goal for the next few hours is to write my
blog posts for the week, edit articles for my freelance job, and clean.
I sat at my laptop, with the time to get things done that I
had been coveting, and all I could do was stare at the screen in a state of
The prior week was a bear. Due to parent/teacher conferences,
we were “off schedule.” I threw my kids
at babysitters to get through three early dismissals, and more babysitters to
get to their conferences, and yet another babysitter to get to a 7 a.m.
breakfast meeting for work. One night, sans sitter, I threw the kids in the
back of the yoga studio to teach a Fight Club class, after the dude’s
soccer game and school and their having to be at a sitter at 7 that morning.
I try to cough out two blog posts, but my writing is off. It’s
not sincere. And if it’s not sincere, I
can’t post it, because that totally defeats the purpose of my blog.
It’s not sincere, because I’m tired, and what I really need
to do instead of writing blog posts and editing magazines and shampooing carpets
and folding laundry is sleep – because I have been lacking in that department
for quite a while.
I shut off my computer and go upstairs to bed.
Part of my journey about being less rigid is to
accept the things that don’t get done and revise these lists. Because given my situation as a single mom,
working 3 part time jobs to keep us going, I need to drill down to the essentials.
One of my favorite newly discovered bloggers, Justine at A
Half Baked Life (have you met her? She is just fabulous!) left me a comment last week about balance and
how our balance will constantly shift because life is constantly shifting.
The balance will never be perfect.
I may never get to the bottom of my lists.
Which leads to my contemplation for the week:
What are my essentials
and what are the non-essentials?
What can I move from
the “essential” column to the “non-essential” column without feeling like my
world will fall apart?
And even more importantly:
Can I get over
feeling like the world will fall apart if I don’t clean my carpets?