The Coolest Guy on Facebook

Confession:  I’m not really
that great of a Facebook “friend.” My timeline is one filled with shameless
self- promotion. “Please buy Girl Scout cookies!”  “Come to my yoga class!”  I brag about my kids.  I get on my soapbox about rescuing dogs.   I use
it to pimp my blog so that if you’re not subscribed to my Fierce Diva page, I’ve
still cornered you into getting alerts about new posts (although I’d love you forever
if you go like
my Fierce Diva page
.  I mean that).  

Now, if you want a timeline that’s truly worth following, may I
suggest putting in a friend request to Balthazar?  Balthazar, the subject of the post below, is
an old colleague, whose jet setting lifestyle could not be any more different
than my day-to-day and whose wry one liner status posts are laugh out loud
funny.  Balthazar has never once pimped
Girl Scout cookies or tried to cajole anyone into taking in a foster dog, and no
one in this world has ever swung more heartlessly hilarious punches at Taylor
Swift (sorry fans – but even you’d be laughing at  the things he says!)

This is another one of my earliest posts and one of my
favorites.  Once you meet Balthazar, you’ll understand why.





Vegas, you suck.  Love, Balthazar." 

Balthazar has checked into the
United Club at Newark Liberty International.  I imagine him, young and
single, hanging out in the first class lounge in a pair of Abercrombie jeans
and vintage wash oxford, sipping a Bloody Mary, while I sit at my desk gulping
coffee, in my yoga clothes, slightly damp from perspiration, seven a.m. on a
Wednesday morning, while I enjoy a few last moments of quiet before the kids
barrel down the stairs.  Balthazar's Facebook status stands out like a
pearl among the suburban trifles in my newsfeed.  Recital photos, Pampered
Chef party invites, kitchen renovations,  trips to Disney World, and
Balthazar, on his way to Vegas for business for the gazillionth time this

Balthazar  has posted about his
breakup with Vegas with unaffected nonchalance more than once.  He's over
the first class plane tickets,  trendy hotels, and comped bottles of
champagne.  Balthazar leads a lifestyle that I let go of a long time ago
for domestication.  To someone like me, who does a "girls night
out" twice a year, at best, I'm amused by his indifference, if not
disdain, for the in-room Jacuzzis, nightclubs, and lobster dinners. 

Balthazar and I knew each other for
a few years during my "pre-diva" days.  It was a peripheral
relationship that would have faded, had it not been for Facebook keeping
everyone "connected."  The funny thing about Facebook is that it
keeps certain relationships artificially alive well after they hit the end of
their lifespan, while other relationships are resurrected in a different
context.  I have become a champion of Balthazar's quick, clever
one-liners.  He rips his anonymous co-workers to shreds, criticizes the
lack of style of the people in the airport security lines, and complains about
the crying toddler that they ALWAYS seat behind him on his cross country
flights.   I've "followed" him to Florida for some R&R,
and a road trip to Albany to check out a Hot New Band.  He goes out
drinking on school nights and eats at trendy restaurants.  Balthazar is
the coolest guy on Facebook. 

If you go to Balthazar's timeline,
you'll see that I have "liked" almost every status he has posted.
  Because they're fun, unpredictable, and a diversion from middle aged
suburbia.  I'm not against reading about your child's baseball game or
looking at your recital photos.  I look forward to them. Reading
your posts allows me to keep up with your life.
 However, Facebook is not only how I keep up with all of you,  it's
also my innocent five-minute brain break,  my escape.  Facebook is
the "Mother's Little Helper" of the twenty-first century. 

For a moment here and there, I go to
Vegas, the Caribbean,  or eat tapas with a microbrew in Hoboken, on a
Thursday night.  Not that I'd want to be there every Thursday night. 
I want to be here.
 Yet, Balthazar is my window, a reminder, a vicarious dip in a penthouse
swimming pool while the pasta water is boiling or while the kids are in the

I can't wait to see where Balthazar
is going next.  And thanks to Facebook, I get to go with him. 


 Do you have a vicarious life through a jetsetting friend or someone you know on social media? 


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The Coolest Guy on Facebook — 20 Comments

  1. I love vicariously travelling with Facebook! I know a couple – I used to work with them both on separate occasions, he in grad school, she when I was in the library industry, and they have moved to Luxembourg for a year for a professorial fellowship thingie, and she posts awesome updates.

  2. I do the same with my friend’s sister. She works for a brewery in Michigan and just came back from Australia. What a life…
    As for me, I fell asleep on the couch last night at 8:50pm.

  3. I can honestly say that I don’t, I think at some point I have. But I choose to remain optimistic and happy with my life knowing that I’m doing my best and now more than ever, reaching for my own personal goals and wants. 🙂

  4. Definitely. I have a few friends that travel a lot and since my travels are pretty limited right now, I enjoy them. Ironically, one of my favorite facebook friends lives in Las Vegas. Balthazar sounds like a crack-up.

  5. Yes! I have two friends–one from college and one from med school–that go all over the place and do totally interesting things. I live vicariously through them and their funny updates. (The friend from college is even a stand up comedian, so his stuff is really funny)

  6. Can I just say again how I love that you are resurrecting old posts? I went back to look at some of mine and frankly, they’re crap! Anyhow, I totally live vicariously through FB friends and Twitter friends and Blog friends. I guess it’s part of the beauty of social media that you get to peak into someone else’s life for a second, knowing very well that we all put our best foot and most witty foot forward. But hey, everyone can dream, right?

  7. I love watching my friends travel too – as well as my friends who live abroad. One of my best friends lives in Beijing and one of the nice things about FB (because I could name about 100 not nice things about it) is that I don’t quite feel as far away from her thanks to her status updates.

  8. Balthazar truly is the best “friend” to have on Facebook. There are times I’m off FB for days and miss tons of stuff. But I will often to go his timeline – if for no other reason, to catch up on his hilarious one liners. He had this whole commentary going on Grammy night that was to die for!

  9. I totally get what you are saying about understanding that people are putting their best foot forward on social media. I met a blog friend of mine IRL a few weeks ago and kept thinking to myself how sorely disappointed they would be at meeting the real me for those reasons! BTW – when are we going to meet? Speaking of FB, I will have to message you so that we can pin down a date! xo

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