I
swear I’m not jaded, guys.
I’m a romantic at heart.
Really, I am! Love heals. Love conquers
all! Love is kind, at least most of the
time, anyway.
However, the “thrill of the chase”
thing is a different story. Back in “the day,” I was never one to wait
for a guy to call first, and I was always a bad “rules girl.” Besides,
that “chase-loving Neanderthal” usually dropped me like a bad piece of mammoth
meat the moment I would show the tiniest bit of interest back. Sounds
eerily like a Taylor Swift song, does it not?
This post was originally published
in March of last year but so long as someone out there is chasing and someone
out there is being chased, it’s always fun to revisit these “rules.”
Several years ago, a book was published which outlined certain rules of dating that guaranteed, if followed, would help you capture the heart of a man. The rules dictated that you were never, ever to call a man you liked under any circumstances, and that if he called you after Wednesday of any week, you were not allowed to accept a date invitation for that weekend. The premise was that if you seem busy and disinterested, this man would assume you were special, exotic, and in high demand by other men, which would increase your value and make you more desirable. This would ignite his thrill of the chase, until he chased you all the way down the aisle.
The adherence to these "rules" may work temporarily, but there are many aspects to them that are counterintuitive to my Fierce Diva sensibilities.
First of all, say your man calls you on a Thursday for a Saturday date, which according to the rules, you cannot accept, even if you don't have other plans. Yet, is it any fun to sit home on a Saturday night watching "Desperate Housewives" reruns, while the man you like is now at a club, chatting up another Diva?
What happens if you follow the rules and your man actually does chase you all the way down the aisle? Except now, this chase-loving Neanderthal who has nabbed his prize catch must settle into the tedium of day to day life. If this is a man who prides himself on having nabbed a highly exotic creature, will he still find you exotic after the first time some gas slips out in front of him? What about when an eye infection leaves you in coke bottle glasses for a week? What about childbirth? Will he still find you exotic while he watches the head of a baby emerge from your cha-cha – which hasn't been waxed since before you became pregnant? Will he still find you highly exotic after he changes the ice pack on your episiotomy stitches? Enough said.
As far as I can tell, playing by the "rules" and playing games are closely related. Chances are, if you have to play games to nab a man, not only is he not the right man for you, but he's certainly not fierce enough to live with a Fierce Diva.
My advice to you, Divas, is to approach your relationships the way you approach everything else in your life, with strength, sincerity, and openness. Will stalking a man land you in a committed relationship with him? Probably not, But neither will feigning indifference. When it comes to finding the right man or anything else in life you may be seeking, it all comes down to balance. When you know when to put forth effort, and when it's time to let go of your efforts, not only does everything fall into place, but you have truly become a Fierce Diva.
Namaste, Divas!
How do you feel about these so-called rules of dating?
Did you follow them or would you follow them?
Where to find
me:
Love it !!
Awesome!
Thank you both for the feedback. This was such a fun one to write. I’m glad you both had fun reading it. Good to know :0 xo
Oh my goodnes so true! I was always horrible at dating rules. So unnatural and not worth the trouble!
Scott and I met in grad school, I asked him out, and we might as well just have exchanged rings over dinner that first date. Mostly, we went to the library to date, and then we moved in together because, well, grad school.
I think the rules might have come out after I already nabbed my Neanderthal. 🙂 I absolutely hate being involved in ANY relationship that you have to play games in and I agree that following “rules” is the same as playing games. So true about staying in on a Saturday night…doesn’t make any sense when you could have been out with the guy you liked.
Unnatural and not worth the trouble – AMEN! That book was basically a manual on how not being yourself was the only way you would ever “get the man!”
Jessie – I LOVE the story of you and Scott – because the two of you were straight shooters – and clearly, you acted fast! But I also believe that when you know, you know. And you guys clearly knew!
AM, To this day, I still remember refusing a date with a guy (this is like 1997 – 1998?) because he called on a Thursday for Saturday – and sitting home that weekend! It was after a well intended friend bought me the book because she was convinced that my outspokenness had been my detriment to finding “the one.” Demure has never worked for me – but neither do “games,” – in ANY arena of my life – like you said!
Love this! You are so right! If everyone was just honest about what they wanted and who they wanted it with, dating would be a lot less complicated.-The Dose Girls
I met my husband when he was the bartender at a bar in the Village and we went out on our first date a few days later. I went from my Upper East Side apartment to his place in Brooklyn, had to transfer twice on the subway and still married the guy! Rules? What rules?
Love this! Umm, I definitely broke the rules. Ed was my manager at work. Oops.
Rules, shmules! Of course, I’ve been with my husband since we were freshman in college. I have no idea what the rules are anymore!
I’ll vote for the Fierce Diva’s rules every time – sincerity, honesty, openness – sounds like a plan to me! Mike and I got together before the “Rules” and after I learned the hard way that games are a poor substitute for authenticity. Fun post! xo
” Chances are, if you have to play games to nab a man, not only is he not the right man for you, but he’s certainly not fierce enough to live with a Fierce Diva.” Love this! Wonderful post!
I think everything becomes less complicated when we are honest with ourselves and the other party about what we want – right? Simple but not so easy sometimes, I guess!
I never knew how you met your husband – and it doesn’t sound like there as time for many of those rules – sounds more like love at first sight to me! That is such a great story! How did you guys wind up in MD?
HAaaaaaa! I love it! Did you guys have those “no dating co-worker” rules that you had to work around – because if you did, that makes you the ultimate rule breaker – and bad ass – in my opinion!
I love hearing about people who married their high school/college sweetheart there is no time for “rules” in those cases – which in my opinion is a good thing. – I don’t know what the point to these “rules” are except they made the 2 women who write that book a LOT of money….
Mary, it seems as if you and I always have to learn the “hard way” first – no? As I sit here recalling a post you write last summer/fall about a man you dated at an internship one summer – and found him and his gorgeous family in a magazine write up years later? It sounded eerily familiar to some of my pre-marital dating situations. Here’s to creating our own rules – for all of our endeavors!
Thanks, girl! Here’s to only dating men who are fierce enough for women like us!
Great post… has me chuckling.
I think I follow them… sort of… but maybe not for the right reasons. I never “call a boy” more because I hate talking on the phone than for any other sort of rule… it drove LB crazy that it took more than 6 months for me to call him first. I also couldn’t ever except a date for Saturday on a Thursday. Again, not because of any hard, fast rule, but because by then, my babysitter was usually busy! 🙂
So there you have it… a half- a$$ed rule girl by necessity rather than because I had some grand plan to catch a man! 🙂
I agree so much. Playing by the rules and playing games are often the same thing, and that is never a good way to start a strong relationship.
I absolutely agree with you on this rule stuff. Anyone who starts a relationship playing games will surely not find an authentic one!! Good grief, I remember those rules when they came out and I am sure women desperately trying to get a man attempted to go by these rules. Just not cool. Stopping by from the Link UP!! 🙂
I think rules of dating sounds weird. Everyone is so different it’s hard top imagine that this would work for everyone. I didn’t follow any rules.
Games never last! “if you have to play games to nab a man, not only is he not the right man for you” Loved this line. So true!!
I’ve never liked those rules, but then again, I’ve never been very good at dating. 🙂
You know, that I’m a single mom, I may become a half assed rule girl myself- because with three kinds and a pretty full life, who has the time???
Games are never good. Unless we’re talking baseball or Monopoly or Backgammon. Let’s hear it for keeping it real!
You know what, Chris? Authentic is the word. If no one is acting authentic during the dating process, then it’s sure to be a fail.
I can’t imagine this working for everyone either! It’s such a strange thing, all of the games we’re told to play to “capture the heart of a man!” I’m glad you didn’t follow any rules! I didn’t think you would have! <3
Thanks, girl! And no, all the games do is suck up time and energy! Sad to say, but I’ve “been there!”
I’ve never been very good at dating either! I swear your post on xoJane was like the story of my life!