I was going to write a post where I discussed my 10-pound weight gain this year. It’s not a staggering amount of weight, I know, but enough to push me up a clothing size, or two, depending on the designer.
I’m not going to make excuses for why I gained the weight. It’s not a slowing metabolism or some kind of glandular problem.
Plain and simple, I ate.
In my overactive imagination, I fancy myself the poor, single mom version of Liz Gilbert in Eat Pray Love. Although Liz clearly packed on the pounds the right way, in Italy, whereas I ate my way through New Jersey, Costco Pizza, Pont Pleasant Boardwalk waffle fries, and Trader Joe’s frozen dinners. Admittedly, Whole Foods vegan chocolate chips have been my drug of choice these past few months.
The moral of my weight gain story would have been that for the first time in my life, I’ve had a little compassion for myself in a heavier body. When back in April, I first noticed zippers not zipping and certain dresses looking – shall we say – “hooker tight” on me, I didn’t immediately have a gut reaction to jump on the treadmill or cut out carbohydrates. I more or less let out a sigh and said to myself, All right. This is where it’s at right now.
Maintaining my weight is something that mattes to me. And it would be misleading for me to say it didn’t matter now, but I think I’ve finally…possibly…given up the number on the scale as my “lie.”
We all have a lie we tell ourselves, which begins with the phrase, “If Only…”
If only I could lose ten pounds.
If only I could get that promotion.
If only so-and -so would marry me.
If only I could go back to school and earn my degree.
If only I could write a book.
If only I had a different nose/face/hair color/chest/ass.
If only I had more money.
…and ends with the phrase, “I would be happy.”
Paradoxically, the “if only” game is the lie we tell ourselves that not only keeps us from ever being able to achieve real happiness, but it keeps us from loving ourselves unconditionally, the way we are at this moment.
Last year, I discussed the concept of happiness not being dependent on external circumstances, often, in my earlier posts. While external circumstances matter, everything around us looks different when we’re cool with who we are inside and when we’re living a life that’s aligned with our values and our purpose.
Your weight has nothing to do with who you are inside and how big your heart is.
Would we be better friends/mothers/decision makers if we had more money?
Would any of us be better workers/ humans/daughters/sisters if we had a more advanced degree from school?
Yes, there is absolutely a correlation between looking great and feeling great or setting a goal and feeling successful after achieving that goal, but we women are our own harshest critics. I’m certainly mine.
A few weeks ago, I went on a business trip to New Orleans, which began with a frantic packing session back home, trying to find clothing that still fit me and that flattered the places my weight congregates. That night, my wardrobe superseded all other concerns I had, such as running a great event for my boss, making sure the hotel had the right AV equipment, or that our attendees had the most current information on the conference.
Yet, while getting ready to leave my hotel room for the conference welcome reception, I had one of those rare moments of clarity.
After catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I looked myself in the eye, and thought, You’re OK, Ike (my nickname back home), you’re all right.
I really liked that girl who was looking back at me in the mirror, not because of her hair or her body or her grade point average in school or how much money she used to make in Corporate America.
It was because she belonged to me.
If we’re not willing to claim ourselves, in that most visceral sense, who else will?
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This post is dedicated to my amazing friend AnnMarie over at Tidbits from the Queen of Chaos, and was inspired by a post she wrote in February called Distorted View. My hope for all of us is that we can one day, see ourselves for who we really are.
I feel like you dug around in my head and spilled my innermost thoughts, only in a more eloquent manner.
I’ve been carrying around that extra 10 pounds too. Truth be told, I know how to lose it, I know I can, and I know it will matter to me that I do. On the other hand, I’ll be damned if I let these 10 extra pounds define me in any way. I will lose them. On my terms.
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It’s so true. I know how to lose it too. But the focus and motivation is just not there for me! And yes, most importantly, we will not let those 10 pounds define us like you said. I am 100% with you on that sister. 100%.
I almost fell over when I read your title and topic because I’d literally just finished typing a reply to a comment that started with “If only I could be comfortable…”
This is a HUGE issue for me and one that I’ve never been able to get a mental handle on. Right now my weight is up and I am a mess!
Single Mom in the South recently posted…Old School Blogging: Alphabet Meme
It’s hard, I know! It has been ingrained in me for a lifetime that I need to look a certain way! And as much as I’d like the weight to come off, I know I have to be OK with myself right now, exactly as I am, for me to have any positive progress in my life, in any area. I hope you can find the peace with your weight being “up,” as difficult as that may be!
I have moments where I look at myself and think, ‘you’re awesome just like that.’ Sadly those moments are few and far between. It’s awesome that you can look at where you are in your life right now and fully embrace it all. If you want to lose weight, you can. If you want to stay that way, you can. It’s all a choice that can sometimes hinge on so many external factors like you said, but ultimately, you’ve chosen to clearly see where you are and celebrate that. That’s a HUGE thing! Such an inspirational read. Brava Ilene. 🙂
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Thank you so much my friend! Do I love the extra weight? No? Am I going to torture myself over it? No. I so dislike that women put so many conditions on themselves for self acceptance and weight is a big one for many of us. I’m glad you have those moments, Maribel – because you truly are awesome! xo
We are so different, yet so much alike. I, too, reluctantly admit I have gained 10 lbs over the past year. Yikes! The wardrobe is the worst, as you say. What do I have to wear? I don’t want to buy anything new. 🙁
But, it is what it is. I am still me inside, and must be remember to love myself as I am. Thanks for the reminder, friend!
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You are still you inside and I am still me. Let’s hear it for sticking by ourselves, through thick and thin – literally 🙂
How true! We can’t let the “if onlys” hold us back…the truth is we keep ourselves from being happy…not the “if onlys” 🙂
Michelle recently posted…Mom, We’re at the Wrong Field!
The if only’s are all lies! And everyone seems to have one! Would’t we all be so much happier just to say, “yeah, I’d like that (insert thing here) but things are good right now. I’m cool with this.
I LOVE this post. I have caught myself playing the “if only” game so often, and it usually does nothing but make me feel worse. I try to switch my thoughts around and remind myself “This is it. My life. I’ve got to love everything in it now”. And when I play THAT game, I feel better. I start to appreciate all the little things that I had somehow overlooked. All the little things that show that I am alive, and well, and ok…and often great.
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Yes, Leah, you nailed it! We have to love our lives and love OURSELVES now! Not “when.” Our time is short and precious and honestly, I have found that when I have achieved certain “if only’s” before, ie, weight, financial goals, etc., I just replace it with another “if only!”
I have been having these same thoughts, lately. I have been on a bit of a health journey for the last few months – eating better and exercising – but it feels different than previous times I have attempted to change. Always before, I would have those “If only…” thoughts in the back of my mind. And this time, I know that, whether I reach my goal or not, the person I *am* will not really change. Love this, Ilene!
Kim recently posted…Going Forward, Backwards
I think it’s great you are on a health journey but it sounds like this time, it’s a journey without necessarily a specific outcome. And whatever your goal is, the person you will be is the same beautiful soul you are right now.
Oh wow. I looked in the mirror this weekend and yes… I’m at least 20 pounds over weight, but I thought the same thing… I’m alright. I like my body. I need to be better to it, for sure, so I’m trying. But I don’t hate myself because of my weight.
As far as Eat, Pray, Love goes… packing on the pounds in Italy was not the way it happened for me, but that’s okay because pray and love are next!
X
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I think you say something so important here in that we all need to be better to our bodies, in some way. Whether it be more sleep or better eating or just being “nice” to it. Being accepting. I went from being pretty lean and mean to being “curvy” on a day when I’m being nice to myself and “fat” on a day when you catch me in a mood. I am shooting for “nice” today! And yes, pray and love are next for both of us, my friend! xo
Beautiful!! Absolutely beautiful!! You have hit this out of the park, my friend. There is nothing positive about “if only” kind of thinking. It is what keeps us from accepting ourselves. Yes, we need to strive for the things that are important to us, but do we really have to be so hard on ourselves along our journey?
Your last sentence is just truth. I’ll be thinking of it and this post for a long time to come. (I love that sweet AnnMarie was your inspiration. She’s an inspiration to me, too! Love her…and you!) –Lisa
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Oh, Lisa, I love you too! And I agree 100% with what you say, about striving for things that are important to us yet accepting ourselves on the journey. That is the perfect balance my friend, and the one that I want for myself.
I have an extra ten pounds myself – baby weight. With my daughter it came off easily after I stopped nursing. Here’s hoping it will happen again..but I’m not as sure. I’m petite so people probably don’t notice it and figured I needed it anyway, but my old clothes don’t fit yet and I have zero money to buy new! Ah, this is beautiful. So rarely do I look in the mirror and think I’m ok. I’m learning how one rejection doesn’t mean ten million rejections. Like today, my husband has been upset with me for three days now. A year ago I would have felt like garbage and assumed everyone in the entire world thought of me as such. Now I’m learning that his anger doesn’t mean I’m actually garbage and that everyone sees me as such.
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Such wise words, how one rejection does not mean one million rejections and how we don’t have to reject ourselves, even if it feels like someone else is rejecting us. I’m sorry about the clash with your husband, but I am SO GLAD you know that you are still OK despite. xo
What a thoughtfully written post. I am struggling with the same thing. I have spent my entire life looking “out there” for happiness, always saying those same things to myself – “if only this” and “if only that”.
I didn’t realize until recently that I won’t find happiness out there. I have to find it “in here” – inside of myself. Also, that it’s important to be happy with me the way I am.
Not sure how I found your blog, but I like it!
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It is so nice to meet you! And it’s a gift that you “get” the concept that happiness starts from “in here.” Not that it doesn’t take work to feel as such, but I think so long as we can always circle back to that truth for ourselves, we have a much better shot at feeling great than we would have otherwise!
Um, Costco pizza is just so freaking delicious. OMG, I love it so much. I love compassion and I love your posts. Keep ringing the truth bell.
Costco pizza rules. I love every bit of processed greasiness. Now THAT is something I can ring my truth bell over. xo
::sigh:: I noticed recently that I haven’t exactly put on weight but I have allowed my muscle to turn to fat. I know I should care (and I guess somewhere deep down inside I do…or might) but I don’t. I eat healthy for the most part and I’m as active as my lifestyle allows me to be. By no means am I overweight and for the first time in a decade I am so happy and in a good place. I claim it.
I love that you claim it and respect that you claim it and are happy with you just the way you are. And are happy period. That’s the most important thing, for certain!
this is so true! you hit bullseye on this on me! I hate that I have to condition my happiness on something i dont have. I always focus myself on the future, that i forget to enjoy what i have right now.
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You’re right. It’s these conditions we put on ourselves – and it’s such a lie! I could spend the rest of my life trying to lose the elusive 10 pounds or whatever else – but instead, hope that I can focus on what’s in front of me and feel grateful.
This is such a wonderful and beautiful post. If we don’t love and accept ourselves for who we are we are not able to do what is right for us nor are we able to clearly see what our goals and dreams should be as it is clouded by what we think others want from us. It is clear that you know who you are and the direction you should be going. I applaud you for that!
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Thank you Carli, thank you so much. And you are dead on about our vision being clouded by what other’s want from us. I think that when we put a lot of theses conditions on ourselves, they stem from other people’s voices in our heads – and noone’s voice should really matter but our own.
Awww…I just got back and what a wonderful surprise! I am so honored that I inspired you and thank you, Lisa for your sweet words! Ilene, you know I can relate to this so much. I get so lost in the world of “if only…I’d be happier.” I hate that for so long, I’ve tied it to how I look. That I allowed ten pounds to determine my mood. So much time wasted not feeling good about myself. It is only now that I realize I have a choice…I can live with the wish of happiness or I can decide to find the happiness in where I am at right now. Love this post, my friend. Well done.
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We really do have a choice! But it’s so easy to get swept away in allowing something – like the way we look – to determine how we feel about ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to be happy regardless. And I think I’ve said this before to you but it bears repeating – you, my dear are just as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside.
Do you ever get tired of hearing that I love your posts? Because I do. This is no exception.
My therapist has been trying to get me to admit that I have a perfection problem. I’d love myself better if only … I had a job. I weighed less. I was able to better juggle things. I … whatever. Anything. But the problem isn’t the thing that I think would define me. It’s my perception of me.
It so happens that I’m about 6 pounds heavier than I’d like, and I totally need some vegan chocolate chips. But I also know that if I just owned myself, and decided that where I am is the right place to be, then the 6 pounds (and the weight I am likely to put on when I’m back to an office full time with a commute) won’t matter.
Yes, THIS.
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I 100% get every word you are saying here – and the part about self perception? Yes..THIS. The irony of this year for me – with becoming a single mom is that I have had to let go of perfection. I had to or I would have driven myself insane. My house is messy, I sometimes forget to return hone calls, I am not the best employee, and my eating is marginal. I know I have done the best I could this year – which is many why I’ve kind of let myself off the hook about the weight. I wonder if going back to work will do the same for you – because we can only do so much so well through the course of a day/week/lifetime when our plates are really full. So, own it honey, own the weight – and, own you, and stand up for you the way I would stand up for you, OK?
SO SO true Ilene!! All of it. This culture we live in promotes that “if only” view to happiness… and it quite frankly sickens me. I hate that that message is EVERYWHERE!!! True joy lies within who we are, and owning our hearts minds and souls with a sense of value. We have lost where value lies… these days, people look for it in everything ELSE but themselves.
Ugh. So glad you have it! So glad you found it! So glad I found you…
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Yes, you are so right about where we look for value and validation. We HAVE TO look inward not outward. It lies in our souls and our hearts and our minds. I am so glad you get this and I am so glad to have a friend like you. So glad. xo
Oh those ‘if only’s’. So deceptive in that sometimes they feel like dreams or goals or positive things pushing us forward. But they are not. And they do hold us back. I love that you are comfortable with who you are right now (and I’m working on the same).
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It’s so true that the “if only’s” just hold us back. I find I can sometimes notice the difference between and if only and a “goal” because there tends to be joy in working toward a goal and the if only, there is a lot of negative self talk and punishing kind of stuff that goes back to my not being good enough. I don’t think I’ve “grown” or evolved, per se, I think I’m just tired of the mind games with myself!
I love this. I’m struggling with infertility and have gained weight due to hormone treatments to where everyone asks if I’m pregnant because of my belly….but it doesn’t make me less of a person!
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Not less of a person at all! And people, as well meaning as they are, should know better! Best of luck with your treatments!
amen for honesty, that’s one thing I know i will always find here!!! I am having a tough time right now because my mom is so stuck in this mindset of of be happy when, it’s draining and I want so badly to help her!!
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My mom sounds a lot the same – where happiness is conditional, especially around certain topics. Furthermore, if she needs something to feel happy, she believes I need it too. She gives herself plenty of reasons to be miserable, and I know I feel powerless when I can’t say anything to change her mindset. You have my empathy on this one!
I so love this post. We (women) are way too harsh on ourselves when it comes to our looks. I’ve put on a few pounds since having kids, but it’s really only noticeable to me. I can still look in the mirror and be proud of what I see. If we can’t appreciate ourselves, then how are we going to truly be happy?
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I can’t agree with that more! And I love the phrase “appreciate ourselves” because I think as mothers and women and workers, we take ourselves for granted and don’t even realize our skills or accomplishments or good traits. I bet that for most of us, if we looked at our attributes in someone else, we would totally appreciate them – so why not in ourselves?
There are few things as liberating as giving up on magical thinking. Once I gave up beating myself up over my weight, I had so much energy for other things.
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Yes, Jen, yes! You’ve nailed it when you say you had energy for other things. All of that beating up and/or obsessing or whatever we do with our what if’s takes up way too much energy. And like you say, there are so many other and greater ways for me to fully utilize my potential!
Loving the new site my friend!
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Thanks my friend! Was time for the change, for sure!
Amen! Ten lbs make a huge difference in the way we feel and how our clothes fit. I hate feeling like everything is tight. Truth be told I obsess over the slightest weight gain and I hate feeling trapped by the “weight” of weight. I’m so proud of you for looking int he mirror and loving yourself in spite of the number on the scale. I need to take a lesson from you.
Beautifully written, as always, my friend!
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I love that phrase you use, the “weight of the weight.” It resonates, because, I always feel “heavier” like I have more weight on my, when I am being overly critical of myself in any area of my life. That says a lot, at least for me, why the physical weight can matter! And while on one hand, it does, I don’t think we should ever let it define us, right? Love this comment, my friend!
Such a beautiful post my friend. I’ve been going through much the same. I had gotten good at accepting myself – all of it – and how I looked and letting it go but lately? Not so much. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin and I hate that feeling. I’m so happy for you to be able to look at you – the real you – in the mirror and claim her. xox
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I love that I had that moment – but truth be told, I still want to be the old weight I was in my own skin! I guess the subtle shift or not so subtle shift is accepting myself now. I think we always balance out, with weight or anything else in our lives when we hold that acceptance in our hearts.