Writing desk: Sold
Sofa and love seat: Sold
Kitchen table: Sold
Children’s dresser: Sold
And the list goes on. Between yard sales and Craig’s list and a Facebook buy/sell/trade group that I belong to, the articles of my material life have dissipated before my eyes.
My goal for that day in August when my kids and I drive out of New Jersey is to fit everything we own in the back of my car.
Realistically, I will have to leave at least a few boxes in my mother’s garage. Yet the things I store will be the most important items imaginable, things I can’t live without because either their monetary value or their sentimental value is that high.
Between now and the end of July, I will have touched everything in this house. Every piece of clothing, every dish and novelty coffee mug in my cabinet, every item that was hidden in the backs of closets and in the eaves. Every paper in every filing cabinet will have my finger prints on it within the next six weeks. I’m either shredding or saving, filing or tossing, loving or leaving.
I’ve tossed more than I can tell you. I’ve tossed ruthlessly. I’ve tossed wedding gifts and birthday cards and letters from college roommates. I’ve tossed homemade crafts that my children made in preschool . I tossed the awful ceramic face mask that Miss F. made in a pottery class.
I’ve kept things too.
A letter that my daughter wrote me last year after I pulled a notebook spring out of her finger.
A Nirvana CD.
A flower pin that my son made me for Mother’s Day out of tissue paper. A photo of an old boyfriend who I’ll always love, despite reason.
The things I’ve kept are more than memories. They are the things that make me think, “Oh, that. Yes. That.
Some are reminders of me.
The girl I was…
The girl I am…
The girl I’m still meant to be…
They are my props, if you will. The items that keep me going, either through memory or motivation.
They are my good.
My bib from the Philadelphia Marathon, to remind me that I’m stronger than I think I am.
A Nancy Drew mystery book from the third grade, to remind me of the girl who loved to read and who loved to write.
A framed photo of my stepfather, to remind me to put love first.
I hold onto little for sentimental reasons, even the good. There is a lightness in letting go, of both the good and the not so good. Everyone talks about how holding onto the bad keeps us from moving forward, but holding onto the good keeps us from moving forward too. It prevents us from finding new good and different good and a greater expansiveness of good. Holding on too tightly to the good is like saying, “No, thanks, I have enough good right here, I don’t need any more.”
Or even worse, holding on too tightly to the good is like saying, “I don’t think it will ever be this good again, so I’d better hang onto this good right here for as long as I can,” even when that good no longer fits us.
I want to be in the company of my good, but wear it loosely, I want to know when to slip it off and when it no longer feels quite right. I don’t want to hold onto it so tightly that I won’t let you borrow it. I don’t want to be so attached that I’m not willing to trade it in for a slightly different shade or model.
I don’t want to pay storage fees on it, either in a rent per month unit, or in my head.
Is any good worth that cost?
This post is dedicated to the amazing and wise Maribel Marmol, of Food 4 Thought NYC, and inspired by her post The Red Lipstick Manifesto. Don’t be afraid to live out loud. Let go often. Choose your props wisely.
Wow you really said this perfectly! I love the last paragraph…you really have a way with words! It is hard to get rid of things, but also good like a fresh start. You don’t want to forget but you also want to move forward. Beautiful post!
Natalie recently posted…Father’s Day Weekend
Thank you Natalie. I love great memories but I think there is that balance between appreciating them but not hanging onto them…learning to wear them loosely. And a fresh start never hurts, right?
Things are just things. It’s what we do with them, how we use them to create memories, that really count. I think you’ve got that down pat. 🙂
Alison recently posted…The Easy Way Out
Thank you my friend. And you are so right. Things are just things.
This is such a gorgeous post. I used to tell my son to take “pictures with his mind” so he could hold onto the good in his head … for similar reasons. And: I have a friend who is moving to Hawaii, who has discovered that you need less than you think you do.
Justine recently posted…NaBloPoMo: Trees, Roots, and Lentil Shepherd’s Pie
It’s so true! I’ve been cleaning out my office today and all of those things I thought I needed are now out in the trash. We need so much less that we think we do!
This is beautiful.
Christie recently posted…My Commercial Spirit
Thanks, my friend.
Yours is a very existentialist motto, and SO appropriate for me right now. Decluttering my grandmother’s life with my Mom is like pulling apart a rotten layer cake.
Jester Queen recently posted…Hoarders Anon
I never want to have to de-clutter the way you have to do it right now for your grandmother. Hopefully, I will spend the rest of my life with not much more stuff than I will be left with by the beginning of August. I do have to say, it feel really good!
I love this, Ilene. So true – although I confess I have never looked at it this way. Holding too tight to the good can mean closing our heart to the possibility of more, different Good. Why should we limit Good? And isn’t it better when we share it?
Kim recently posted…Three If By Sea
Exactly. Why limit our good. I think for a lot of us (including me) we have that scarcity mentality of – this may be the ONLY good I ever get so I’d better hang onto it tight! But that’s so not true. There is good everywhere. And it’s inherently ours before we even realize we have it!
“I hold onto little for sentimental reasons, even the good. There is a lightness in letting go, of both the good and the not so good. Everyone talks about how holding onto the bad keeps us from moving forward, but holding onto the good keeps us from moving forward too. It prevents us from finding new good and different good and a greater expansiveness of good. Holding on too tightly to the good is like saying, “No, thanks, I have enough good right here, I don’t need any more.”
Ilene, you have this incredible way of laying out these brilliant pieces of wisdom in the most beautifully simple way. Your writing is a constant inspiration and your words always remind me to shake things up and challenge myself to keep pushing past my boundaries. I’m a bit of an emotional hoarder. I spend so much time reliving the past and focusing on those good times that I often forget to make new memories by allowing more of the ‘good’ into my present life. Your post today comes at a perfect time as I find myself at a crossroads between my past and my future and I have to thank you. Thank you Ilene, for being you. For being a fearless woman who proves time and again that the challenges come and go but they don’t break you. They make you stronger and they give your voice strength. I am forever grateful that I discovered you on my very first day on SITS Girls when your site was featured. Thank you so very much for all of your kind words of support and encouragement, for this post, and for all of your future posts that will undoubtedly leave me an emotional wreck (in a good way!). Namaste Ilene and best of luck with the rest of your packing!! 🙂
You have no idea how much I want to reach through my laptop and give you a big hug right now. And as far as pushing past boundaries, you do the same for me, my friend. You always remind me through your posts the beauty of pushing my comfort zone, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and how we always come out the winner when we do so. And I LOVE the term emotional hoarder by the way. Love it. I definitely have some of that in me, and like you said, when we can stay focused and present in the moment, we don’t have to be that way – because all of the good stuff is right here in front of us! xo
Wow, I really enjoyed this post. You really do write some very inspiring posts that make you think. And then it got me thinking, what if I had to pack up all that I could in my car. Obviously we would need clothes, but I have a feeling we would only take enough of our clothes for maybe two weeks. I really don’t know what else.. I’ll have to think about that. Maybe I’ll write a post and link up to yours. 🙂
Stephanie recently posted…What if you became rich?
I would love to know what you’d take with you if you had to put everything in your car. It would be interesting to see how other people would do this!
It’s like shedding your skin so the new pretty skin can show.
What a great metaphor! Or like exfoliating!
Ah the old boyfriend pictures. I can’t part with those. What does that say about me? I guess I can use my photography as an excuse for any photos. “I can’t throw away my art?! It’s priceless!”
It’s hard for me to let go of things..including Scarlet’s most..uninspired..preschool art projects. Every now and then I get into a groove and I purge a lot of things and my husband loves it and takes advantage of those brief moods and he works all around me and with me. We repeat this process about once a year. I guess we accumulate a lot.
Tamara recently posted…You Have No Power Here.
I have tossed a lot of uninspired preschool art this week – and it was hard to do! And there are other things I’ll keep forever. Usually, the ones I will keep forever have specific memories attached to them – special ones. The rest can go. I am getting a little more adept at this but will need a lot more improvement to fit it all into me car in 6 weeks from now! And no, that one BF photo is staying with me – like another friend said on Facebook, perhaps more for the pivotal time it was in my own life than for him, if that makes sense.
“I want to be in the company of my good, but wear it loosely”.
Wow. That just slayed me. I love the sentiment of the whole post, Ilene – and I can relate. When we moved to Canada from Germany 5 yrs. ago we came with 8 suitcases and 14 boxes in the mail. Our whole life of almost 40 years…
Reading this post makes me wish I would have savoured the selection process more, but it turned out great anyways 🙂
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted…Totally over it
I think in a perfect world, we’d learn to wear it all loosely, the good, the bad, all of it. When we wear it loosely, we create the space for more, new, different. It opens us up. And wow. A transcontinental move with 8 suitcases and 12 boxes? That’s inspiring! I will have to ship a few boxes down, but hopefully not many. I am savoring the selection process. I am really fortunate that I have the time to do so.
I am so bad about holding on to things. Now my kids have the same issues and we are running out of space in our house. I am trying to get a handle on it, but I think it always comes back to fear. Fear that things won’t be goo din the future; that I won’t have what I need.
Rabia @ TheLiebers recently posted…Hump Day Hook Up
I can relate to that fear – even over simple things of wanting a spare “this” or “that” around. My son is having a hard time letting go of his stuff. I think it’s harder for kids since they are very much tied to their physical world.
Hold on lightly, and don’t let your stuff own you. Boy, do I hear you on that. There are things worth keeping and so much that is not. Good for you doing the major clean out. I think it takes more energy than the actual packing. Cheering you on from afar! <3
Kim recently posted…When Fear Meets the Pushmi-Pullyu
I totally agree that the clean out take more energy than the packing. Decisions decisions! But like anything else, I’m finding that when I listen to my heart/gut, I know what needs to stay and what can go.
You are fortunate you get to choose what you keep and what you get rid of. Anyone who has gone though any of the natural disaters looses everything. They don’t get to decide.
It is amazing power to learn how much we don’t actually need.
You are so right Corey in that I am fortunate. And yes, there is such power in learning how much we don’t need. It’s pretty awesome actually.
Wow. I just want to read this over and over again. Transformation. That’s the word I keep thinking of…
Cleaning house. Cleaning heart. Re-organizing and making room for more… of the good.
You always take my breath away with your words, dear friend. Oh, you have such a GIFT. I am honored to be your friend. XOXOXOXOXO….
And I am so honored to be your friend, too. And yes, making more room for the good. So exciting. xo
Holding on and letting go are so hard and so easy at the same time. I still have some of the little things my children have given me and I have let go of countless others. I remember that when I moved out of our house the items I went to first were those drawings and pictures in the drawer that I kept. I still have them. They are in storage for later but for now I just hold on to the memories and good times and let go of the bad. There is always room for more good and more change. Hugs to you sweet Ilene!
Krystal recently posted…Perspective
We always have our memories. Like the pictures in our minds as Justine said above. If all else fails, I have a lifetime of good I can look back on and for that, I am most fortunate. And hugs to you too Krystal!
Love, love, love this post. We don’t talk too much about holding on too much to the good. How will we know what we could become if we just sit and be happy with what we have? Letting go – of good and bad – is good for the soul, if you ask me.
another jennifer recently posted…Wordless Wednesday: Fort Popham Beach, Phippsburg, Maine
I think it can easily turn into complacency – and all of the sudden, out good isn’t so good anymore. I guess it always goes back to that balance of appreciating the moment but being open to what’s next as well.
Amazing post. I loved the part at the end about holding on to the good and preventing ourselves from having more. Beautiful in every way.-Ashley
thedoseofreality recently posted…Would You Rather: Instantly Be At Your Ideal Weight Or Have One Million Dollars?
Thank you Ashley, wishing lots and lots of good for you – always. xo
Amazing post. So inspiring. Reminds me of the sayings “Don’t let good be the enemy of best” or “sometimes we have to let go of “good” to get “better””. I say these sayings to myself quite often…
Leah Davidson recently posted…Quote of the week
Those are great quotes and so true. There is so much “out there” that we can have if we open ourselves up to it.
I can’t believe you are doing this!! I’m so in awe. Everyone is commenting about your philosophy, and YES, of course. But you are DOING it. Looking forward to following your journey.
How are your kids taking the clean-out?
Deb @ Urban Moo Cow recently posted…Yeah, Well My Kid Didn’t Get That Memo
Yes, girl! I’m DOING it! My furniture’s gone and I have a contract on my house so there’s no going back now! 2 out of 3 kids are doing fine with the clean out and the move. My boy is having a hard time. He loves his stuff. But I will ship down his legos and have even promised to carve out a spot in the house that will be his lego corner…which is easing the blow. And thanks for your enthusiasm. Much more about this journey to come! xo
This is just fabulous! I’d have to agree with you 100%. Sometimes it feels like you’re always holding onto something good or bad. I don’t keep a lot of stuff and I’m sure my mother thinks I’m horrible for that. I have one trunk and when I want to put something into it and it feels like it’s getting full, I pull everything out. Relive the moments and decide what stays and what goes.
Carli recently posted…How to Detox After a Food Binge
You know, I moved in here with one trunk for sentimental things and then I had kids and that kind of exploded. But…I may have to go back to that trunk and do the same thing you do. If it doesn’t fit in the trunk, it doesn’t come with us. The most important memories live inside us, and I’m thinking you and I believe the same on that!
This, Ilene, is so powerful and well written. “There is a lightness in letting go, of both the good and the not so good. Everyone talks about how holding onto the bad keeps us from moving forward, but holding onto the good keeps us from moving forward too.” Sold!!!!! It’s a revelation few realize. So wise. So beautifully written. There is so much comfort in memories but comfort can sometimes lead to stagnation. You have reminded us all of that. Thank you.
Andrea recently posted…BeQuoted: Quotes of the Week
Stagnation. Complacency. Inability to move forward. All so true. I know a few people who cling to their memories – and live there. I never want to do that. I always want to believe that the good is here. Now. And that there is more and better to come. I don’t want to now appreciate what I have or to think that this good is not good enough, because it is. I think it’s about trusting that the good will always be there for us. Thank you so much for your lovely words and your insight.
I really love this Ilene. I love the thought that holding on to the good can hold us back too. Absolutely. It becomes this unattainable thing that we’re constantly striving for and I don’t think that we’d ever reach again because we’ve created something otherworldly out of it. Does that make sense? I agree with Alison – things are just things but it’s the memories that matter and what we do with them. I’m excited for you and this next step!
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted…Turning Cartwheels
That makes perfect sense – that otherworldliness. I have often thought “I’ll never have that (fill in the blank) again and have actually found myself mourning the good – well, not exactly mourning the good, but mourning that “never having it again” part – that scarcity mindset. And in reality, that great stuff that really is otherworldly, is here, right in front of us, now! Thanks for your great words and your encouragement. They mean the world to me! xo
Beautifully written! I, myself, am in the process of tossing ruthlessly. I am more into making room for more memories. Buying new picture frames, looking for new ways to capture good things. I guess I’m opening up for the good.
Ambitious Curls recently posted…What’s Real and What’s Important
I am so happy to hear that you are tossing ruthlessly too AND opening yourself up for more good. I truly believe that when we open ourselves up to it, it’s there for us.
Yes the good hold us back too, don’t they? Such freedom comes in cleaning out. Lovely post!
Tricia recently posted…Dresses for my girl
There is always freedom in cleaning out. It’s like giving ourselves permission to see beyond what we have or what we think we can have. Thank you, Tricia.
I just went through this as we moved last month. Sometimes it’s hard to get rid of things, but it’s also so freeing. A fresh start. A new beginning.
You said this beautifully. 🙂
Kimberly recently posted…Kids Were Here: Little Signs
Yes! Freeing it the right word. It feels great and light and like the beginning of a fresh start. I hope you are loving your new home by the way!
“Or even worse, holding on too tightly to the good is like saying, “I don’t think it will ever be this good again, so I’d better hang onto this good right here for as long as I can,” even when that good no longer fits us.” This. So this. It just hit me like a ton of bricks that this is one of the reasons I save so much stuff. The fear of never being that “good”, “successful”, or “happy” again so I need to keep them to remind me I once was. Uggghh…I don’t want to live in the land of once was anymore. I want to live in the land of what will be. GREAT post, my friend.
AnnMarie recently posted…The Father’s Day Post
Thank you AM. And you nailed it – there is that fear attached with things never being as good and they once were – thus the hanging on. I think it’s that fine line of loving the past and loving the memories and the good we had but trusting that there is more great stuff to come. And it does and it will!
I keep coming back to this post. I can’t stop thinking about it. I am going to share it again.
AnnMarie recently posted…Follow-Up Survey: My Soapbox
Thank you my friend. Here’s to letting go of the good, with the knowing that it will always live in our hearts.
Beautiful in every way. Just like you. I love the image of you shedding the old so you can welcome the new. Miracles await.
Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted…Tangled
Thank you my friend. Like Tammi said about, like shedding my skin to grow a pretty new layer. I love that, just like I love the miracles that are waiting..for all of us. xo
Pingback: Friday Round-Up: Coffee Talk Edition
You really nailed it. I feel I’ve always been a minimalist with a hoarding problem. That’s not good. I don’t have the room for it all. Sometimes, the space where things once were never goes away. it’s like the imprint of what was once there reminds you it was once there, and that it’s gone now, like the darker carpet you find when you move out that lies under where things once stood.
I think it’s both happy and sad to hang on; and it’s both happy and sad to let go. I’ll let go of most things, just so there’s not so much to carry with me.
Eli@coachdaddy recently posted…5 For Friday: Go Ask Daddy About DaVinci Paintings, Salmonella Spritzers and Fishy Sensory Issues
It’s daunting how, at times, “that thing that is no longer there” still manages to take up space, right? Sometimes, the absence becomes bigger in my mind that what was actually there to begin with. I think the goal for me is to make peace with that darker patch of carpet. I don’t have to ignore it when I walk past it, but I don’t have to stand there and stare at it either. I can acknowledge it, and keep the memories in my heart of once stood over it, if it was worth such.
For the best ever “happy and sad to hang on/happy and sad to let go” post, read Tamara’s blog from last week, if you haven’t already. http://tamaralikecamera.blogspot.com/2013/06/you-have-no-power-here.html
Oh my, how I love this.
I went through doing this recently. Nothing was allowed to just get packed in a box to move with us- there had to be a real reason for it to go along. We had to really and truly use or it it had to be a memory that needed preserved. We took two trips to the dump in a very large truck, getting rid of all that we didn’t truly need(well, plus some craigslisting for the things someone else could possibly use) and it felt so freeing. I love knowing that everything I have now is here for a reason.
Shell recently posted…Things They Can’t Say: Outgrown
I love how you went through this process recently and how everything in your new home is either something you will use or a memory that needs to be preserved. What a wonderful way to start your new life in your new place.
I love your last paragraph. Paying for storage in a unit or in your head. It’s not worth it if it isn’t a part of who you truly are. I’ve been doing my best to clear out a lot in my head this year as my 40th birthday approaches. It feels good. I feel lighter and so much happier!
So excited for what is in front of you, Ilene! xoxo
Kristen recently posted…Lizzy Speare and the Cursed Tomb – Review by a Tween
I am so glad that not only are you cleaning out, but that you feel lighter from it! Kim said earlier in the comment thread that we often put more energy into deciding what to keep and what to toss than it actually takes to perform the clean out. I think this goes for the clean out in our heads as well. Changing belief systems and our reactions to things – once we decide to do there things and let go of the old, the rest is easy. And I’m so excited to see what’s in front of you too, my friend! xo
Pingback: Friday Round-Up: Coffee Talk Edition — Love Life Surf