I Believe In You

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F ryans run

“Mom!  Mom, you’re never going to guess what!”  I shouted excitedly into the phone.

My mother was my second phone call, right after my husband with the news that one of my screenplays had made it into the semi –final round of what was arguably the most prestigious screenwriting competition in the United States. It was 2002, and I felt unstoppable.  I had used every spare moment of my life to write fiction, and my writing had begun to harness attention from literary agents and other players in the industry.

“Oh, that’s nice, honey,” my mother responded, in the same tone she would have used to reply to my telling her I had found a good deal on tomatoes at the grocery store.  “Did you patch things up with Steve,” the question, referring to the growing pains my husband and I were experiencing during our first year of marriage.  

“Yes, mom, everything’s fine,” I said.

“Oh, that is the best news!  I am so glad to hear that! she replied, this time, with unbridled enthusiasm.

As I hung up, the disappointment lurked in my chest.  I could not understand how my own mother could show so little support for something in life that mattered to me as much as this did.

This type of reaction from my mother was not new, but each time I sought her support, I had secretly hoped for different results.  That this time, she would take me seriously.  This time, she would rally for my cause.  My mom and I continued this dance for years, over my writing, my distance running, my decision to become a yoga teacher, and every time I approached her with great news, her responses were flat and indifferent.   

My mom, like many of our immediate family members, cannot support my goals objectively. I believe that when a friend, parent, sibling, or spouse fails to support something that is important to us, the cause can be traced back to the baggage, fears and agendas that they bring to our relationships.  People see us through their own filters, and they see our lives in relation to theirs versus something that stands alone. To my mother, the most important thing for her daughters was for us to be married off to good men.  There was nothing beyond that mattered more, and dare I not ever pursue a goal that could possibly threaten her picture of my perfect life.  Not that I would have left my husband and run off to Hollywood to write screenplays (I would have taken him with me, of course!) but perhaps that fear is what prevented Mom from being happy for me during one of my proudest moments.    

I encourage everyone to find support in reaching their goals.  Support is crucial!

  • Support keeps us going when we convince ourselves we need to stop.  
  • Support keeps us accountable to staying on track.
  • Support gives us company!   Who doesn’t appreciate a running buddy on that 20 mile training run on the way to a marathon?

When trying to secure support from those people who seem indifferent, don’t fall into the entitlement trap.  Having the mindset of, “But she’s my mother.  She’s supposed to be my number one fan!”  is not necessarily true.  Try to remember that when someone close to us cannot give us support, their reasons have nothing to do with you!  Besides, all of your resentments or sadness about that person not getting behind your goals only takes your energy away from the goal itself.

I have long given up on seeking support from my mother. I love her and we have a good relationship, but I have become aware of her limitations, and I accept them. There is nothing I can do to change her mindset. 

The best thing you can do with unsupportive people is let them be, and find support elsewhere. 

I, for one, believe in you. I am on that sideline right now, cheering you on, as you forge ahead with all of the brilliant things that you were put on this earth to do. 

Namaste, Divas!

©Ilene Evans 2012 

 

Comments

I Believe In You — 57 Comments

  1. As always, perfectly written and incredibly true. I am so glad to have my husband and children. They are my number 1 fans. I’ve accepted my family’s reactions to my goals and typically keep them to myself. I’m glad that I have a great guy that I can turn to to offer me true and honest support.

  3. You spoke volumes to me with this post. I am always that person that cheers people on and is beside them every step of the way in support. When people aren’t the same way towards me, I let it bring me down. I never think of it as something they are lacking. I think of it in a negative way that makes me feel like I am not worthy or something.
    I like the way you look at things! You are THAT person that is cheering us all on!

  4. In the past, I have been infamous for taking things personally when someone can not support me in my goals – and have been fortunate enough in recent years to be handed these insights that have clarified those situations for me. I know that every time someone can’t support me, it usually goes back to their own insecurities and fears. I am super lucky to have a husband and kids who rally for my every time (as I’m sure you do too!) and if anyone else wants to jump into rally along with them, it’s welcome but not expected.
    And yes, I am cheering you on all the way, whatever it is you’re up to!

  5. I think you and I have mom’s that are sisters. I had to find support and encouragement from friends and other fmaily…I can so relate to this….my energy is still being focused on the right things, but only due to a lifetime of worry….

  6. This post really resonated with me too. My mom has similar limitations in the support that she is able to give. I keep wishing and hoping that the next time, she’ll be so super excited or proud or something but it lets me down sometimes. But I do love my Mom and I’ve learned to accept what she can and cannot give me. Like Kristen, I too am always on the sidelines cheering (and I like to be) but sometimes you do look for someone else to come and help lift you up. Thank goodness for others in our lives to be able to provide that unbridled support.

  7. It’s amazing how many people read this and mentioned to me that they have gone through a lifetime on this earth with limited support from a mother. I am convinced that moms are wrapped up in their own agendas – thinking that they know what’s best for us – and sometimes can’t see past that picture.
    I hope she can at least, celebrate your accomplishments with you – because you have so many. I am glad you have other friends and family who are there to cheer you on.

  8. I am truly convinced that our moms want what is best for us but that being moms, they fear anything that we may do that could get in the way of their perfect vision of our lives. The irony is that this comes from a place of love inside of them, but they wind up missing the mark in how they could emotionally support us in the here and now.
    You are so unbelievably accomplished that I can not imagine anyone not being super excited or proud of you! But I suppose someone could say the same about me…
    And by the way, I must say that you are a great cheerleader!

  9. This is lovely. I’m having some issues with my father that could benefit from this type of thinking. I’m ready to give up because my expectations keep getting met with disappointment. I’m hurt over and over and I’m not really sure how to deal at this point. Thank you for giving me something to think about.

  10. What a graceful piece of writing..I wonder if, despite her reflexive responses, your mother didn´t have her own unpursued dreams, goals…and here you are fulfilling yours again and again. Keep it up!

  11. It’s very difficult to NOT have certain expectations with parents because we would like to believe that they are supposed to love and support us unconditionally. In some ways, I am very lucky that I got this lesson with my mom, because it has balanced out my expectations with other people and made me understand in a big way, that there are those who live with limitations that have nothing to do with me.
    Good luck with your father. It’s not easy stuff.

  12. That is some very interesting food for thought. You know my mom. She’s so hard to read – but you may be right on the money. We are all such complex beings, huh? What a treat so see your name in the comment section of my blog! xo

  13. Perfection. I love this post and completely identify with your relationship with your mother. I’m grateful to have a strong support system that doesn’t include my mom. At times I still wish she could give me what I think I want from her, but for the most part I accept her limitations just as you so beautifully described. I love the adage: “Don’t go to a hardware store to buy milk.” Great post!
    And now, I want more details of your screenplay writing! What happened? What’s the latest?

  14. I could use some more people like you…on the sidelines, cheering me on. My mom is 70 now…she’s actually more supportive of me now than when she was younger. Which is nice. But I gotta get my hubs on “my team” a bit more. Or find support elsewhere. Thanks for this post…you may have just lit a fire under my goal-less behind 🙂

  15. I completely understand where you’re coming from with this post. I have a similar relationship with my mother. She says she’s my biggest fan, but the way she reacts to my enthusiasm suggests otherwise. You are correct, we do need strong support systems and need to be a support system for others. Beautifully written post!

  18. Support is so crucial! I don’t even open my mouth around people who have been historically unsupportive because I don’t want to hear their negativity anymore. I truly believe parents means well but get wrapped up in their own agendas.

  19. Awesome. And so true. I’m finding this with my own mother and am on a journey to accept her indifference about certain subjects instead of craving her enthusiasm. If that makes sense.

  21. oh my goodness, your mother is my mother…I hear ya, but I was 40 before my mother first told me she was proud of me. I know it’s not how she was raised so I get it, and I love your post and understand your point, but it’s still a hard pill to swallow.

  25. Thank you Ilene! I apologize for being late to the party. I hope you know I completely believe in you. I am so glad to have read this today as I really needed it. Today everyone seemed to have my back —- sticking a knife in it though

  27. Wow! I can so relate to this post, not necessarily my mother, but other people in my life. I could never understand why they could not be supportive or happy for me when I find something new in my life that brings me happiness. It’s enough to make you crazy! Your post is wonderful, thanks for writing it! I am so grateful for all of the supportive people I have in my life and try my best to ignore the naysayers! Have a great week!

  28. I truly believe the people who can’t be happy for us are the people who are battling their own hangups. I am glad that you are surrounded by supportive people and that you ignore the naysayers. It’s wonderful to have friends and family to celebrate the successes with!

  29. I can understand what you’re saying as I have a similar relationship with my mom. I used to resent her for it but I guess age helps us to accept things like these. Thanks to you, I feel I am not alone.
    Greetings on your SITS Day!

  30. What a beautiful post. Now if only you could have written it (and I could have read it), more than ten years ago. My spirit was so wounded back then that it wasn’t even funny. I come from a BIG family of non-supporters, so trust me… I feel you. I truly “get it”. If only I had known that when people don’t support you, it’s their drama holding them back from doing so. But better later than never.
    When you’re young and lack the understanding to realize that what people can’t (don’t) emotionally give to us is based upon their own internal emptiness and lack of desire in understanding the need to mentally refuel, recharge, support and give back, it can take it’s toll, reeking havoc on bright, beautiful, sunny days that appear to be cast into darkness.
    The good news is when we don’t throw in the towel and give up, the sun eventually shines through… and we begin to see the light of growth and wonderful possibilities. But the shame, at least the shame that I felt (having friends whose families were mentally present enough to “show up”), at one particular time in my life was massive. So today I thank God for each new day of wisdom that I have and the strength to live my life for me, loving and supporting myself and others.
    You grow up and realize, it’s best to support and “parent” yourself. Because only we know exactly what we need and how to love ourselves the way we need to be loved. And that I’m glad I now realize — and am happy to accept the responsibility for.
    Supporting you, let me again say — beautiful post. Happy SITS Day, fierce Diva!
    I celebrate and support you.

  31. oh wow this touched heart, what I was going for my masters in trying to get pregnant many years ago, my mom said I hope you don’t get pregnant and not get your Masters. I was heartbroken. when we finally did IVF 6 years later, only my 2 good positive friends knew

  32. Such an inspiring post. The mindset of knowing that you don’t have to change others to support you, that some people will do it willingly, is a huge shift for me but I like it! You are right – attention on trying to change someone only distracts from the goal. Love it 🙂

  33. Well written and profound. I can totally relate. Since I began my blog I would call my mother and got the same lukewarm response and then “How’s the babies?” She listened politely but she never GUSHED. But you hit the nail on the head- my mother is not a gusher because her mother (an amazing lady) was not a gusher and truthfully I don’t think she fully understands what a blog is or what it does and why I’m not just going to play group all the time. But I got a nugget the other day…out of the blue she tells me “I went to that website of yours. You really need to cook x recipe.” That was it- no your site is lovely, your writing is good, etc., but for her to even figure out how to get my blog was huge and that one little nugget meant the world. I do hope it’s a cycle I can break with my own kids- she was an amazing single mother but we don’t have to be stoic all the time and I want my kids to be gushed on. Kathy Penney @ Pinner Takes All

  35. My favorite line: “The best thing you can do with unsupportive people is let them be, and find support elsewhere.” Learning this was crucial for me. I spent so many years feeling insufficient, like I wasn’t good enough, when it was really the hang ups of other people that kept them from seeing how great I was. I have spent the last few years building a support structure. And whenever someone leans on me for help, I ask about her support structure. I encourage other women to build their own. Don’t think your family and husband are it, that they are required to be because of their connection, and get angry when they don’t. Ask for what you need. But if they can’t give it, it’s usually because THEY can’t, not because you don’t deserve it. Find it elsewhere. You captured this beautifully.

  37. I love this post! I completely felt this way when I started my blog just recently. People that I thought would be excited and supportive of what I’m doing, wasn’t. Family members and friends… it was the weirdest thing. I didn’t understand why clicking on a simple button to “Like” my page or say a short message of comment was that difficult. After much thought, I do realize it was about them, not me. The reason doesn’t matter just that it wasn’t about me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
    – Dorothy (coming from SITS)

  38. I fall into this trap so much, expecting a certain reaction from my parents or whoever, and then am left frustrated when their response, which is what is to be expected from them, is not what I wanted. We can’t change others, only our reactions/expectations so we prevent ourselves from being hurt. Happy SITS day!

  39. Stopping by from SITS today. This is a great post. Often times we don’t find the encouragement we expect from family and I think it’s because we don’t realize that they feel the passion we do for something. You’re right, it has nothing to do with them loving us. It’s important to join groups or find people with like minded interests. Maybe it’s supposed to be this way so that we branch out from our families?

  40. I am so thankful for the support that I have around me. I know others are not so blessed, and support is SO important, as you said.

  41. Your writing about people see us through their own filters is so very important. Personally I would love to help them clean those filters out so they can see clearly but alas, you are right, it doesn’t have anything to do with us. Some people for whatever reason can’t offer support, but maybe in other areas they can. Nice blog! Stopping by from SITS.

  42. {Melinda} Wonderful post — so true. I loved my mother deeply. She died 9 year ago. But I quit expecting certain types of support from her because she was just not able or willing to give it. Mostly, I don’t think she really meant to NOT give it. It’s like you said, she was just operating out of what was important to her or out of her own emotional limitations.
    When we quit expecting it from certain people, and decide to find great support from whatever arena it comes from (even if it’s not close family), we’re so much better off!
    Happy SITS Day! 🙂

  44. Thank you for your beautiful comment! It DOES take it’s toll when we are young and need love and unconditional acceptance more than anything. You and I are both lucky enough to have realized that we need to parent ourselves. When I can stand behind me, I can stand behind you. And slowly…I am allowing others to stand behind me too – when I am not clinging too tightly to my man pants! xo

  46. Thanks, Tricia! I have spent so much time dwelling on why certain people aren’t more supportive – and in the end, I just can’t take it personally. I have begun to gravitate toward the ones who can…and have also learned to validate myself more – a lifelong process!

  47. Sometimes, I am stoic and sometimes I am the gusher! But I totally get the problem with stoic mothers, because we all want a little gush! And I understand how important that nugget was from mom. We can have huge successes in life, but the props from a mother mean the most.

  50. Dorothy, I had similar reactions from friends and loved ones when I began my blog, so I can totally relate! But fortunately for us, there are hundreds and thousands of writers in the blogging community who will have your back every step of the way. I wish you all the luck in the world! xo

  51. You are 100% spot on. I wish I had learned a long time ago that people who can’t give can not do so because of themselves and not me. But at least the lesson has been learned – and I can now share it with others.
    Thank you for your kinds words! I am so happy you joined me for my SITS day!

  56. I believe we all operate out of our own limitations. It’s funny, but since motherhood, I have been hit in the face with some of mine, and I am sure there is an entire closet full of more self limitations I need to get past. But it’s a journey and always an interesting one!

  57. Wow your post and all the comments here are so wonderful. I too share similar lack of support experiences that baffle me.
    As sad as it is to hear that you have had some of the same reactions it does help me to stay positive and know how to move forward and not look back. Thank you!