"Happy" is not my default temperament. As a matter of fact, I spent years and thousands of dollars in therapy seeking it, with the hopes that the person sitting opposite my couch would help me find that one "great insight" that would shine the light on ever-after contentment. While my work in therapy did not afford me "happily ever after," it led to a self awareness of my destructive personality/behavior patterns (i.e., my "low self esteem" leads me to pick unavailable men, my "fear of failure" keeps me in low-paying, dead-end jobs , etc.) Self awareness is helpful, but it left me singing the mantra that some therapy alumni may recognize : "I'm self aware: Now what???" *
Several years ago, one therapist I saw suggested I read a book entitled Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns, M.D. In the book, Dr. Burns suggests that negative emotions are proceeded by negative thoughts, and that once we learn how to recognize and control our negative thinking, we can reverse our self-defeating emotions. Dr. Burns lays out several exercises in the book to help identify self defeating patterns, and action steps to mitigate them. In putting certain techniques of his into practice, I did begin to see a change in my moods and overall outlook.
In my own personal quest for happiness, the sage Pantanjali picked up where Dr. Burns left off, in the ancient text, Yoga Sutras . The "Sutras," although 2,500 years old, is still the premiere "how-to manual" studied by yoga teachers, and provides some of the most practical advice I have ever read on attaining emotional freedom and peace of mind. Pantanjali, like Dr. Burns, suggests that we look at our thoughts, learn how to detach from our thoughts, and aspire to control them. **
Some of you may be taken aback at the prospect of examining your thoughts or changing your emotions, especially those of you who have worked with therapists who have encouraged you to "feel your feelings" after years of repressing them. First of all, if you have walked around for years burying feelings related to childhood abuses or old traumas, you need to feel that stuff. Get it out. But once you get it out, let it go. Feeling the repressed feelings from old hurts is healthy, but holding onto those feelings for elongated periods of time is not healthy.
Others may feel justified to your resentments, your bitterness, and your criticisms of others. Maybe life has been tough on you. Perhaps you or your spouse just lost a job or your significant other just ended your relationship. To some of us, it feels good to hate and attack those institutions or people in our minds, over and over again. But again, feel the sting and let it go. We will only hurt ourselves by harboring resentments and negative feelings. When your mind is cluttered with destructive emotions, it drains you of the energy needed to work toward attaining happiness and from moving forward with your life.
How do you get started on taking control of your emotions? Meditation is the best remedy to empty out a cluttered mind. And it only takes a few minutes a day.
Find a quiet place to sit, preferably in a comfortable seated position on the floor, with the back straight. Sitting in a chair is fine too. Close your eyes. Become aware of your breath, however, breathe normally, without increasing the intensity. Focus on your breath for a moment and then let go of this awareness. Now, become aware of your thoughts and let go of them as completely as possible. For any thoughts that persist, try to detach from them and not get involved with them. Continue this practice for five minutes., keeping the mind as thought-less as you are able. Open your eyes. Congratulations! You just mediated!
Some of you may wonder how meditation will help you achieve happiness. Simply put, while you meditate, you are controlling your thoughts. It also gives you a chance to watch your thoughts, a practice that we normally don't engage in during the normal course of our day. One you have a regular meditation practice, in time, you will begin to pay attention to your thoughts during normal activity, giving you the chance to stop the negative thoughts before they turn into negative emotions.
Conversely, you can bring more happiness into your life by focusing on positive thoughts. To some, this may sounds like a ruse, but it works. Keep a gratitude journal, or at the least, give a silent "thanks" to your Angel, God, Higher Power, etc. for all the stuff that's working in your life. Along with that surge of gratitude, your body releases endorphins, the "feel good" hormone, that elevates your mood.
You are the owner of your thoughts, Divas. Now, it's time to become the master of them!
Namaste
*Divas, settle down! I am not knocking therapy or your therapists. This is a commentary on my own unrealistic expectations of what I thought therapy would bring me.
** While yoga experts may scoff at the over simplicity of this interpretation, it's fitting within the context of this article.
© 2012 Ilene Evans
