We all know her. The neighbor who makes comments like, "I see you're not pruning those bushes as much as you used to." The PTO mom who tags the most unflattering Facebook picture of you from the school gift auction. The "frenemy" who flirts with your husband. The co-worker who takes credit for your idea. She's the Diva Next Door.
Let's not confuse the Diva Next Door with the Girl Next Door, that kind, wholesomely pretty, all-American archetype. The Diva Next Door is that woman or (women) in your life whose mission is to undermine you, or at least that's how it seems. She brags about the 3-carat diamond ring she received as an anniversary gift from her husband as she conspicuously stares at your bling-free finger. She recounts her recent 10-pound weight loss and asks if you would care for some dieting advice. While at the tightly budgeted "house party" to celebrate you son's birthday, she rambles on about the fabulous "Carnival theme, stuff your own stuffed animal, ices sculptures, visit from a Disney character" birthday gala she attended with little Johnny the week before, hosted by that mom who "really knows how to throw a party."
Now, before you take your kitten heel and push it into the top of her foot, let's deconstruct what's going on with you and the Diva Next Door.
First of all, is the Diva Next Door REALLY undermining you, or is this your perception of the situation? Is she actually eyeing your jewelry free fingers while she brags about her big diamond, or is there ANY CHANCE you're being oversensitive? If you are being oversensitive, could it be because you're jealous?
Be honest, with yourself, Divas. And if it is indeed jealously, cut it out right now! Jealousy is based on assumptions. You're assuming Diva Next Door is "happy" or has a "great marriage" because of that diamond. You don't know what goes on in her house behind closed doors. Maybe that ring was an apology for an affair her husband had or perhaps he went thousands of dollars into debt to buy it for her.
To get back to the mindset that the Diva Next Door is undermining you, remember this: 99.9% of our experiences are filtered through our perceptions. And wait, – this is a big one Divas, so pay attention – our perception of life is distorted! To every situation, we bring our own life experiences, fears, insecurities, biases, filters, and agendas. When the Diva Next Door clamors on about the fabulous birthday party she went to, is it to put you down or is it simply to make small talk? Part of your mission as a Fierce Diva is to eliminate these filters, biases, and agendas that you bring to your relationships so that you can take the actions and conversations of those relationship at face value as opposed to what you read into them. The more you observe without making assumptions, the more you will experience happiness and freedom in your relationships as well as within your daily life. How do you do this? You know all of my preaching about meditation? A meditation practice is key in helping you move past the distortions in your thinking and allowing you to see life without your own personal biases (See Fierce Thinking
for more on meditation).
Now, there are the Divas Next Door who may truly be undermining you. She's flirting with your husband or posting unflattering photos of you on the internet, or putting you down for your less than perfect landscaping as a power trip. But remember, none of this is really about you. The Diva Next Door is insecure, and she puts you down so that she can feel better about herself. Don't take it personally! If you do, The Diva Next Store is getting exactly what she wants. Remain impartial to all of it. Doing so allows you to maintain your inner peace, despite the Diva Next Door's bad behavior. Reacting to her won't change her, so don't react.
The Diva Next Door is distorted enough in her thinking to believe that making herself feel superior to others will bring her happiness. But you're a Fierce Diva now, and you know better. You know that happiness is not dependent upon our external circumstances. As a matter of fact, I almost guarantee that as soon as the Diva Next Door sees how completely unfazed you are by her little jabs, she will get tired of trying to rile you and will move on to jab someone else.
Or, even better, the Diva Next Door will discover my blog and will let go of the need to jab entirely.
Namaste, Divas!
©2012 Ilene Evans
This was a very timely read. I was just getting fed up with the Diva Next Door. My son and I had a blast in the garden but he wound up digging up some flowers rather than planting them. The result was less than stellar and of course the Diva mentioned it, boasting about her lush gardens. I meditated that day and I love the term “fierce diva” – will remember that one. This helped me keep it in perspective – and after all, I had a blast digging in the dirt with my son anyway!
Anne,
Great to meet you! I think when we can remain poised and centered in situations that involve condescending or biting remarks, we are honoring ourselves and our own inner power. Besides, sometimes it’s much more fun to get messy with our kids than have to worry about keeping the outside “pretty,” whether that outside be our bodies, our homes, or our gardens. Thanks for visiting the blog and for sharing your story. xo