Last week, a political strategist on a cable news network made a remark about the wife of presidential candidate that has thrown the "Mommy Wars" back into the spotlight. While I have no comment on the incident itself or the politics surrounding it, I have a lot to say about these so called "Mommy Wars," specifically, the debate over working versus staying at home.
If you haven't noticed, Divas, these "Mommy Wars" are a luxury of the middle class. These wars were created by women who had the choice whether or not to stay home or stay in their career.
Do you think the working poor sit around and debate over whether or not mothers with small children should be working? Of course not, Divas. For the women in this demographic, their job, if they are lucky enough to have one, is a necessity to survival.
Do you think single mothers are sitting around debating whether or not they should be working? Probably not, since in most cases, trying to get by on child support alone, would mean living beneath the poverty line.
I worked full time for six years after having children. I was hailed as the devil by mothers in certain circles.
"Perhaps her children would not be quite so aggressive if they did not go to daycare…A mother belongs at home…She thinks she's such a big shot on that blackberry all the time…."
I was subjected to listening to women rattle off all of the sacrifices they made to stay home to raise their children and how those us who went to work were selfish by putting the material trappings of our second income, or our careers, above the welfare of our children.
I have heard the other side to this criticism as well. The moms at my office often commented how stay at home mothers had no idea what is was like to juggle kids along with a career. They remarked how those moms had "nothing to do all day" except agonize over the trite decisions of which brand of organic baby food to buy, or choosing a theme for their son's third birthday party. "Like we have time for that," the working mother would remark smugly, hurrying off to her next meeting.
People who judge other people for their choices are typically insecure in the choices they have made for themselves.
The bottom line is that neither choice is easy. Giving 8 – 10 hours to a work day and a commute leaves you very little time for your children, or for yourself for that matter. You miss school concerts and soccer games for meetings and business trips. Or, you miss the meetings and business trips and stop getting promotions. If you do not earn enough to hire domestic help (which you may not, since all of your money is going to the exorbitant expense of daycare), you put the kids to bed and scrub floors and wash dishes in between finishing a work project late into the night.
If you are living on one middle class income while staying at home, your partner most likely works long hours, or he may even work a second job, leaving you as the 24/7 parent. This can be lonely, and lacking in that occasional "break" from kids and housework that everyone needs.
For some moms, this choice to work or stay at home may not be much of a "choice" after all. I know moms who had to give up careers because the cost of daycare outweighed their earnings, or a boss would not give them family friendly flexibility or part time hours. I also know moms who wanted to stay home but had to keep working for the health benefits, or to help support an elderly parent. Before you judge, Divas, remember, life is not as black and white as it seems.
Instead of criticizing the moms on the other side of the fence, why not have compassion for them? Because both choices, whether it be working or staying at home, are riddled with complications. When we learn to navigate the complications in our own lives with poise and become more accepting of the differences of those around us, we have truly become Fierce Divas.
Namaste, Divas!
©2012 Ilene Evans
