She sizes up her two year-old play date, with a large blue-eyed stare, cocks her head to one side, and tosses her wispy brown hair back behind her shoulder.
"When {pausing for a sigh and another hair toss} are you going home?" she demands, with breathy exasperation.
Why would you ask that honey? I inquire, although I already sense where this is going.
"Because…" she starts, with hands on hips. "He's Booooooring!"
Meet Hot Sauce, the youngest of my three children, a four year-old spitfire with so much spice, she'd make Atomic Fireballs seem mellow on your tongue.
Hot Sauce is discriminating about who she plays with, which is a polite way for me to say that she doesn't like many people. When I suggest that we invite certain classmates to our house, it's not unusual for Hot Sauce to say, "I don't like her. She's stinky."
The good news is that Hot Sauce doesn't lack in self esteem. When, last Thanksgiving, she made a "Thankful Cross" in her preschool class, She listed "Beautiful Hair" as one of the five things that gave her gratitude. Just recently, she informed me that she and her two best friends were the best looking girls in school.
While I don't expect a four year-old to edit herself all the time, I'm always surprised to see how blunt Hot Sauce can be with her opinions. Don't get me wrong. She can be delightfully charming. But only if she likes you and doesn't think you're stinky.
Like any mother would, I question if I have any part in her lack of sensitivity to others. (I'm not even sure how much empathy a four year-old could display. But regardless, Hot Sauce would not pass the sensitivity test). After the first two kids, I became lazy with teaching toddler etiquette. "Say please. Hands on your own body. Use your words. Use NICE words." By the time I really took notice to what was going on, Hot Sauce had already become very free with expressing her opinions. I try to instill good values in my kids, including Hot Sauce. You know the ones I'm talking about. Be a good person. Be kind. Don't says hurtful things. Yet, raising Hot Sauce, and all kids for that matter, is a lesson in letting go. All we can do is show them the path, but it's up to them to follow it. I'm also sharply aware that as my children get older, the situations I may have to let go of will become more and more complicated.
All unfiltered remarks aside, Hot Sauce has a big heart. She is full of love, for her siblings, her parents, the kids she chooses to call friends, and of course, for her beautiful hair.
Namaste, Divas!
©2012 Ilene Evans
Oh, I have a hot sauce in my life. Maybe two of them. This lesson of letting go is so hard sometimes, no? Where’s the line and how can we give them enough room to find their own way yet help steer them in the right direction? If you figure it out, will you let me know??
Letting go is torturous! I am 8 years into parenting and I still have NO IDEA where that line is between giving space and providing direction!
The good news is that in addition to her big heart, she is an independent thinker, although that can be hard on a parent in the early years. 🙂
There are two great books I recommend for parenting. The first has been updated at least once since our daughters were little: Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelson. The ideas were simple, solid, and worked very well. The other is a new book whose reviews look great: Mean Moms Rule. The “mean moms” refers to the comment kids often make when they are unhappy with your decisions: You’re such a mean mom!
Catching your kids doing good and offering encouragement (rather than praise) goes a long way towards building healthy behaviors. It will take time, but it will be worth it. Our daughter Leslie was a real challenge growing up, and she has blossomed into a lovely young lady, so I know from experience there is hope, in spite of our many failings as parents. 🙂 I have written about her a lot on my blog to help encourage other moms.
Kim, thank you for your great suggestions and for the book recommendations. I love the idea of offering encouragement. I also can’t wait to read more on your blog about your experiences raising Leslie. I very much rely on other moms who have “been there” to help lead the way!
She sounds like a girl that knows what likes. Mine can be like that too. So tough as a parent to let go. I can physically feel the slow motion mental release sometimes.
Yes! Now that you say that, I can feel that slow motion release too! And sometimes, I can feel that slow motion trying-to-control thing. It’s a constant toggle!
She sounds like a trip! I would love to see her and my just turned 4y/o together- his teacher calls him a “hoot.”
I think that it’s just a normal stage- this young, all kids’ focus in on themselves. Their little worlds. They grow out of it, eventually. 😉
Oh Im sure shed have a blast with your son! Those independent thinkers sure keep us on our toes! I am thankful, though, that she has a mind of her own.
Sent from my Droid Charge on Verizon 4GLTE
Hot Sauce sounds like she knows exactly what she wants, which is great. I don’t have kids on my own yet, but this kid my mom takes care of, she is a sweetheart – Hot Sauce reminds me of her.
Oh yes! She knows exactly what she wants and wont settle for anything less Can be challenging for a parent but in the long term is a good thing!
Sent from my Droid Charge on Verizon 4GLTE
Hot Sauce sounds a lot like my four year old niece — might be an age thing + a girl thing. 🙂
I don’t know. I think we could all learn a lesson from Hot Sauce! She’s a woman who knows what she wants, knows who she wants, and believes she is beautiful! I like it!
Definitely a girl thing! Those girls are so complicated!
You, know, Adrienne, you have a great point. How many women are comfortable enough with their own appearance that they are actually GRATEFUL for it like my daughter is? What a wonderful insight!