Months ago, Miss F. told me she wanted to be on the summer swim team, sponsored by our town pool.
Miss F. wants to try everything, which is good and bad, when you’re her mother.
“You have to go to practice every morning, “ I warn. “And practice starts early.”
“That’s fine, she says,” shrugging nonchalantly.
“You’re not just splashing around the pool playing. You’re swimming laps. It’s tiring.”
“Mommy I know that,” she responds, getting annoyed. “You’re treating me like a baby!”
Then came the first day of practice. When it was over, she dragged herself out of the pool.
“How’d it go?” I ask.
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t know” is never a promising response with Miss F. because Miss F. knows everything.
“What don’t you know?”
Miss F. shrugs.
“Spill it.”
Miss F. shrugs again.
“Just tell me.”
“Mommy this is really hard. I don’t know if I like it.”
“Baby, it was your first practice. Give it a chance.”
“But I don’t like it!”
“A second ago, you said you didn’t know if you liked it. There’s a difference.”
“I really, really, really don’t like it.”
We have been through this before with Miss F., when she wants to join a new activity. Despite my best efforts to explain to her what’s involved, the reality of the situation never matches my well-intended briefing.
When she was 4, it was soccer. Before the season was half over, she dropped out, and there I was, doing my snack bar work duty months after my daughter had quit, since in these parts, you pay a hefty sum of money if you do not fulfill your parent volunteer obligation.
We let her quit the team then because she was 4. But she’s older now, and fully armed with information.
I go on a fact finding mission.
“Is it really that hard? You ‘re one of the oldest kids in your age group.”
“I’m not sure if it’s really that.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s…I’m not very good at it.”
Ah hah! That’s why she doesn’t want to go back!
Yet honestly, I understand.
How many of us never pursue an interest or try it once and abandon it right away because we’re not good at it? How many of us are willing to go through that awkward learning curve of not being masterful or even good or just plain sucking at something that we though we wanted to learn?
There are countless things I never tried because of that fear factor.
However, there are other things that I “tried anyway” and despite not being the best at, they have brought me insurmountable joy.
I am a slow poke runner, as you all know, but that didn’t stop me from running a marathon.
I almost talked myself out of yoga teacher training because my flexibility is a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10.
I want Miss F. to try. Swim team is the perfect venue for her to try and not be “the best.” It’s a summer recreation team. It’s not competitive. There are swim meets, but our coaches are more invested in the kids honing their skills and improving their own best times than beating their opponents.
I explain to Miss F. that she didn’t have to win. This is a hard concept for her. Miss F. loves to win.
Although she agreed to stick with it.
She went to practice every day. The more she swam, the easier she found it. Her times began improving.
Her first swim meet came. When she didn’t come in last place, she was thrilled. At her second meet, she came in third out if 6. I could tell her confidence was building. This week, she tore across that pool faster than I thought possible.
She was the first in her heat to make it to the other side.
When Miss F. pulled herself out of the pool, she hadn’t realized she won the heat, until someone handed her a green ribbon.
“What’s this Mommy?
“You won! You won!” I scream, jumping up and down.
“I won?” She asked, with suspicion in her voice, as if that wasn’t entirely possible. As she inspected her ribbon, it began to sink in.
There are kids who probably get handed a green ribbon every time they swim across that pool. There are kids who most likely have drawers filled with them. There may be kids who shrug when they are given to them because they just have so many.
But to Miss F., that ribbon was a message, a sign of all things possible, a promise fulfilled. That green ribbon is her reminder that if we can become comfortable with being uncomfortable, in the pursuit of something we want, it always pays off. Sometimes we come out the winner, but at the least, we come out knowing something about ourselves that we did not know before.
It’s easy to try something when you’re good at it.
Are you willing to not be the best yet try anyway?
Namaste, Divas!
© 2012 Ilene Evans
This is such an encouraging post! Yay to your daughter and to you! I have been thinking about writing something similar about what I’ve learned from Ava’s softball foray. I am so impressed with how kids have to take risks in everything they do because they are always learning and trying new things. I hate doing anything if I’m not good at it! Being in the learning process is terrifying and I’m happy I’m willing to try something new and learn to take risks with blog writing. Great post!
Ok, Irene. Seriously? I cannot stop chuckling to myself because I had this same exact issue with my little girl last night at swim class. While she’s a bit younger than your girl, she’s been having some issues in her new level. Last night she left the class early crying, partly because she had an ear infection, but mainly because she did not want to participate in the “bob” portion of the class. She was upset because she couldn’t do them as well as the other kids. Since I knew she was tired, and a little achy, I told her that we could go and that we would practice the bobs in the pool this weekend. Like you, I didn’t want her to give up because she couldn’t do something as well as the rest of the class. We’ll see what happens next week. I’m glad all went well with your daughter’s swim meet.
Great story. I went through the same thing with my 13 yr old daughter wanting to try track. Long story short, she worked hard and now she’s one if the fastest on her team. Good job mom!
Jasper is the exact same way – he doesn’t like doing something or trying something because he thinks he won’t be good at it. His friends will start running down the street and he takes maybe 5 steps before stopping and sulking because he’s not as fast as them. That’s why the whole swimming thing was so surprising because that’s one thing he IS good at and he knows it. It’s a continual battle for us. I’m so glad that you didn’t give up either and that Miss F. kept trying and doing her best. That’s all I want from my kids – for them to try their best.
Mary, as always xxxxooooo!
I have a lot to learn from my daughter. She was hesitant, but she stuck with it. I am very consistent in the things that I do, but I have a million excuses not to try new things. Maybe this is the year that changes!
I totally sympathize with your daughter, my daughter, all of the kids. It’s scary to not be as good as the others! Heck, I still protect myself from being in that situation as an adult. You came up with a great solution for your girl, where you guys can practice on your own without the pressure of being around the others – so she can build up her confidence and her skill at her own pace. I wish her the best!
Oh, I am so happy for your girl! Taking those risks and hard work does pay off!
Ironically, my son is just like Jasper in that he may not be able to keep up with the others kids running own the street and then he will give up. He’s the one that I need to get out of his shell a little bit more. Miss F on the other hand tries everything but then gives up easily at times. That’s why I am so glad she stuck with this.
You just nailed it. All I want from my kids is to try their best.
Oh, this is such a sweet post, and as a fellow mommy it made me want to cry. What a sweet little girl you have! It’s wonderful you encouraged her and helped her to stick to it, even when she didn’t think she was very good.
I always think about how many things one could accomplish and discover about themselves if they got rid of that fear to fail. There are talents within all of us that are waiting to be discovered, if we just allow them to be:)
Congrats to Miss F. on her green ribbon!!:)
Happy SITS day! Your blog is wonderful!:)
As a mom of two girls, this story resonates. I am so glad it worked out just way I wanted to. Love it when life circumstances teach our kids the lessons we want them to learn. Good coaching mom!
What an adorable girl you have! Happy SITS day!
What a beautiful lesson you helped your daughter to experience … and us, too, vicariously! 🙂 I was a swimmer as a kid and while I wasn’t the fastest, the pool was full of life lessons: hard work pays off and singing as you swim makes the practice go by faster!
What a great smile on her face!!
Enjoy your SITS day! 🙂
Happy SITS day. Way to go to your daughter. She will be a happier adult for having figured out in childhood that she can enjoy something on its own merits. I’m elated she came in first, but it makes me even happier to know she was proud of her own improvements.
Great story! Love that she won! Happy SITS Day!
Great message that I remember well when teaching my kids but not always well in regards to myself. Thanks for the reminder.
Congrats to your daughter for the ribbon and sticking to the swim team. I like the end of the post. I definitely have been slacking lately in my writing. Thank you. Enjoy your SITS day.
Great story! I love the very important lesson that your daughter learned and want to point out allowing her to work through her fear allowed her to see the results. Some lessons are not learned because we don’t stick around long enough to see the results! Great parenting! She will be able to apply that lesson in so many different circumstances throughout her life.
Happy SITS Day!
I’ve been trying to instill this kind of thinking to my 5yo. She does kids races and I run with her. But she gets down when she feels like everyone is passing her or she’s running out of breath and wants to quit. I’ve been trying to tell her to focus on what she’s doing. Finishing and not quitting is most important…. once the hard work starts to set that she will start to see progress in her performance.
– Dorothy (coming from SITS)
This is such a hard concept for all of us – we’re not always good at something on the first try…it’s why we practice! I still give into this fear factor far more than I’d like.
We had a similar experience with our daughter in Girl Scouts. They were invited to build the little wooden cars and race them with the Boy Scouts. There were times posted, etc, but it was all in good fun. At the same time, those who won all the heats, etc, weren’t given any kind of recognition. It was simply “race your cars, ok have a good night!” sort of deal. Not a big deal, kiddo had a blast, and her car just happened to outpace everyone she raced. Matt (husband) decided she needed some recognition for that, and had a trophy made, and bought a little stand for her car to go with it. To date, these are still her proudest trophies, because SHE made that car, and SHE beat everyone, even the older boys.
That accomplishment means a vast amount, and like Miss F, it’s a reminder to her to try something that might be uncomfortable, to see what might come of it.
Love this post! I’m almost 40 and I still have a hard time jumping into things I’m not very good at. Now I’m feeling a little more inspired. Happy SITS Day!
Love this!! I recently went through the same thing with my daughter too. It is such a good feeling, as a mom, to see that spark in your kids eyes when they truly EARNED something! Good for you! So Exciting for her. 😉
what a great lesson! it can be really hard to stick with something when you’re not good at it off the bat. sometimes you improve, but even if you never become “great” it is still worth sticking with some things. I have run several half marathons and I am TERRIBLE (I walk a lot…) – I am not meant to be a runner, and I will never be “a great runner” – but I don’t care because I like the feeling of accomplishment, the workout, etc 🙂
Thank you Pamela! I totally agree that if we could let go of a little bit of fear, that we could all get a little closer to who we are meant to be. Thank you for coming by for my SITS day!
Thank you, Laura! This life lesson was a gift, and great to see the cause and effect between her work and her reward!
Thank you Amanda for coming by!
Singing as you swim! I love it! And yes, hard work DOES pay off!
This did a lot for her confidence, and just being to live the less that hard work DOES pay off!
Thank you for coming by for my SITS day!
Oh, Miss Robin – you are so right on this one! I could stand to re-learn this lesson myself right now – but I always write about what I need to learn, xo
Get to your writing, lady! Thanks for coming by for my SITS day!
Thank you for your lovely message and for coming by for my SITS day. You are so right – that sometimes we don’t stick around long enough to see the results. I loved seeming my daughter face her own fears!
It’s hard to not be the fastest or the best when those are the things that as a culture, we value. It takes a lot to try out best and let go of the outcome. I am glad you are instilling this in your girl!
Learning to live with discomfort it a HUGE lesson for kids – and for adults for that matter! I am still working on this and I am a lot older than Miss F.! I love the story about your daughter. I am so glad it contributed to her pride.
I still have a hard time too – but I write these things to remind myself to keep at it! It’s ironic, but I can teach the lesson well but not always follow it myself?
Thank you, Suzanne, it was so exciting for her and a great reminder for me that sometimes walking out of our comfort zone pays off!
Mo – I am right there with you on the running! I am as slow as molasses! But its about me and my pace and not anyone else’s. I am glad you can do the same for yourself!