We’re at a birthday party for one of the children from school. We know each other casually and have been making small talk the past hour and a half through the magician, pin the tail on the donkey, and musical chairs. We hit it off beautifully and go as far as discussing a potential park date during the upcoming spring break. The crowd sings “Happy Birthday,” and before I know it, you approach me with a slice of cake.
“Here,” you say, as you hand me the plate.
“No thank you,” I reply.
“It’s good, you have to try it.”
“I’m going to pass.”
“It’s from that new cupcake shop. You sure?”
“I’m sure,” I respond, all smiles.
“Come on, just a bite?”
And so it begins. The sugar dance. I try to avoid the subject entirely, but that does not work. Instead, you interrogate me on why I won’t take the cake, and then I tell you I don’t eat processed sugar, and then you ask me why. Once I speak the truth, this is typically what you say:
“I feel kind of funny eating this around you right now.”
“You can eat whatever you want around me. It’s fine.”
And then you inch your way across the room, awkwardly looking back to see if I am glaring at you with a judgmental eye. You find someone else to talk to, and that’s the last I see of you for the entire party. That park date is never discussed again.
I wasn’t judging you for eating sugar. I never said I was, and I never preached to you while you had that slice of cake in your hand. You asked, and I gave you an honest answer.
I have a very strong opinion about processed sugars and what they do to our health and our bodies, and I have discussed those opinions here often. But that doesn’t change my opinion about you.
But my opinions have made you feel uncomfortable around me. My opinions have kicked up an insecurity in you that makes you feel defensive in my presence. Yet, instead of facing those insecurities, you choose to make me look like the bad guy. You write me off as a snob or strange or someone who feels holier-than-thou about the way she lives her life.
Is this about me? No.
Is this about you? Hmmm.
This is a prime example of how we bring our filters, biases, and insecurities to relationships, which results in us not being able to see others objectively. Instead, we see people in relation to our own strengths, weaknesses, desires, values, blind spots, shortcomings, and neuroses.
Instead of making assumptions in your head about what I am thinking about your Twinkie or your slice of pizza, and allowing those assumptions to make you feel defensive in my presence, why don’t you ask me outright what I am thinking. Chances are, your Twinkie is the farthest thing from my mind.
If you’re making assumptions about why your best girlfriend has not returned your phone call in two weeks, why don’t you call her again and see if she’s OK, instead of allowing your mind to write the (untrue) story for you.
Instead of making assumptions about why the mom you talk to every day before pick up did not invite you to her summer barbecue, why don’t you casually bring it up without trying to sound defensive – or let it go entirely, if you can.
If you cry your heart out to your BFF about another friend, who you feel has wronged you in some way, and if you are angered by your BFF having a coffee date with that friend, can you separate those friendships enough to realize that your BFF has her own life? And that she can be friends with you and the person who hurt you at the same time? Furthermore, there’s a really good chance that they didn’t go to coffee to talk about you!
We are all writing dramas in our own heads about what other people think about us, right down to what I think about you for eating sugar.
Isn’t it time we look at these situations more objectively?
Isn’t it time you find reasons to connect to others versus find excuses to push them away?
A friendship is a terrible thing to waste.
Stop talking yourself into ruining yours.
Namaste, Divas!
©2012 Ilene Evans
I would totally eat that Twinkie in front of you. I admire your conviction to live according to what you believe is right – and to allow others to do the same. Thanks for this thought-provoking post. Visiting from Pour Your Heart Out!
I think we do not do this because we fear confrontation and perhaps even the truth.
It’s so hard in this age when we are all encouraged to be individuals, to live as we want to and not make others feel like we’re judging them for their choices.
What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing it. I’m CONSTANTLY second guessing every relationship that I have. If they stop talking to me it’s because of something I said or did. If they don’t even TRY to get to know me, it’s because of how I look. If they’re whispering, it HAS to be about me. But maybe, just maybe, it’s NOT about me. Maybe.
I love this, and it rings true. My husband and I always remind ourselves that we do not know exactly what is going on in the lives of others, and that we all live our lives a little bit differently than everyone else.
I had a friend that was distant for a while. I let it go because, simply, I thought she needed some distance. If she wanted to talk to me, she would. And, she did. And, she told me why she was quiet and it had nothing to do with me. It was so much more and I was glad that I could be there for her when she needed an ear and a shoulder to cry on.
The girl with the cake, meh, it’s all for the best anyway. If she can’t accept that you don’t eat refined sugar then she will definitely have a problem with the fact that you can hold a headstand, and run marathons, and vlog…
And I agree with Becky, too. I would eat a twinkie in front of you any day of the week. Then follow it up with a green juice because I’d need to detox after my twinkie. Dang, what would that girl this of me??
Love this and love you. There’s so much of this that rings true – so many half written dramas running around in my head.
I love this line “We are all writing dramas in our own heads about what other people think about us…” It’s so easy to jump to conclusions sometimes.
I’d probably just ask if I could have your cupcake. 😉
It was funny- at Wanderlust, almost all the food was vegetarian/vegan/gluten-free. And I ate it up, yum. but on the last day, I ate the most delicious gyro I’ve ever had in my life. And I felt like I needed to hide back in the corner so no one watched me eat it. LOL
Wow. What an incredible post. I just lost a former BFF due to us being too “different” — but it made me wonder what the real reason was. She claimed I lived my life out-loud and did not “get” that. I think it had more to do with the fact that I wouldn’t conform to her religion. I had accepted our differences (I love having a diverse array of friends!) but she couldn’t. I may never know the real reason(s). I just know that she didn’t want to be friends anymore, and although it hurt like hell, I’m better off without someone judging me harshly for the way I live my life.
People are rude… and selfish. And if someone is going to judge you because of what you do or don’t eat, do or don’t go to church daily, or because you drink beer instead of wine… well, that’s honestly their problem. We’re better off without these judgmental people in our lives.
Aaaaaah! You’ve got “I don’t eat sugar” cooties! ;-D
Been there, done that, my sympathies. It was the same when I was a vegetarian. “What will you eat? I feel guilty enjoying this fill-in-the-blank-here in front of you. I’m not going to sit by you anymore.”
*Sigh*
I left vegetarianism long ago, and have been eating Paleo the last couple of months. I’m just not announcing it at family and friend gatherings if I can help it. Just not up for the hassle.
You are right. When someone makes a big deal of it, I just don’t understand, well, the big deal. Scientists say we are influenced by our peers, especially in regards to girlfriends and food. All your girlfriends overindulge on food and drink? You probably will too. I wonder if friends are afraid becoming more like you, i.e., different. What a shame.
Nutritious, stand on your principals hugs to you! <3
Thank you so much for visiting and for the great feedback. And I LOVE that you would eat that Twinkie in front of me!
I totally agree. We feel such a strong pull to defend our own choices – even when we feel unsure of them ourselves.
I find that in certain circumstances, we feel the need to defend our own choices, and by doing so, at times, we judge the choices of others. There is no need for this – but I see it all the time…
I doubt it’s about you. When someone judges, it has very, very little to do with us!
I am so glad you hung in there for your friend instead of getting defensive and drawing conclusions. I have pulled a disappearing act this summer on many of my friends – which has nothing to do with any of them – and mostly because of the schedule that I have needed to conform to. I am very fortunate that people have been understanding. But sometimes people aren’t…
You can eat a Twinkie in front of me any time without judgement. But I’ll join you for the green juice any time!
I am much more peaceful when I can let go of the half written dramas. I still get them from time to time, which for me, goes back to that inferiority complex that from time to time rears it’s ugly head.
I love you, too! You are such a joy to me, you have no idea…
I promise that you can eat a twinkie or Gyro in front of my any time, without judgement! And you could have had my cupcake too. I’m good like that!
When someone walks out of our lives with such blunt judgement, it is so, so, so, always about them, unless you are an ax murderer or something close. Often, I find people defending their choices by judging others for theirs, and there is no reason for that! There is no one size fits all diet, religion, or cocktail for that matter!
I am sorry you had a BFF break up over living life out loud or whatever her real reason are. Ironically, I would love you for that!
That’s exactly it! Sugar cooties! I have vegetarian cooties too, but I will have to save THAT story for another post. But, yes, I get where you are coming from. I have had the people with meat on their plates get uncomfortable around me, as well!
I don’t get all of the self consciousness around eating. It’s just a shame people use it as a reason to divide themselves from others.
I can’t blame you for not announcing your Paleo lifestyle at every gathering you attend. But no worries, your secret is safe with me. 🙂
As I started reading this, all I could think of was that you wouldn’t judge the person for eating it. Everyone has different beliefs but that doesn’t mean we can’t all be friends. Those differences is one of the things I like best about my friends. We are all unique and most of the time…the good things that are different rub off on each other.
I say it is her loss and I am ready to jump in and take her place!
I love the differences in my friends too! On all levels! Eat meat! Eat sugar! Pray to a different God than I do! It’s all good! I don’t understand who people get so defensive over their choices.
You’re already in – no jumping required!
Great view of this topic! Thank you. My husband constantly reminds me that he is a real person – not the guy in my head living out a script (good or bad). I’m always assigning him intentions and motives without real facts to back them up. I’m working on it. Thanks for making me think! Visiting from PYHO.
I do that with my husband too! And he’s such a good guy! It’s easy to get caught up, especially with a spouse, since they are so close to us. I am glad the post helped to give you insight!
Popped in from SITS! This happens to me all the time. People always think I’m judging when I’m not–or I think they’re judging me.
I know you are not judgey so I could eat that Twinkie 🙂 But I must admit that I am terrible about overanalyzing and creating scenarios in my head that are likely not close to reality. It goes back to my terrible self esteem and desperate need to be liked. But, hey, I’m working on it 🙂
Unfortunately, when we write those stories in our heads, they are usually not true. The same for others. I wish we could all stop making assumptions and just love each other 🙂
I am 100% with you on the self esteem front. My whole beautiful, insane “journey” began due to my trying to overcome my terribly low self worth. But I’m working on it too, and just trying to share the insights as I have them. I think we are both doing great!
Hi! I keep missing your posts – and this one is especially important for me on all counts. I don’t eat sugar for myriad reasons and at times feel like I should hide in the corner. And oh those dramas in my head – I bet we could write quite a soap opera if we all got together! I love your take on judgments and completely agree – my judgments are mine and are about me, others’ judgments – the same. So incredibly hard to remember but worth it to my sanity to flex that muscle. Great post!
p.s. do you have an email button on your site? i don’t see one and don’t want to miss a thing. I keep forgetting to check my RSS feed. If not, I’ll make myself a note to check for your posts daily :-). xoxo
I have learned in recent years that whenever I am judging someone harshly, it’s either because they remind me of a flaw I have in myself or I am feeling defensive around them. Oh, the dirty job of looking at myself for who I really am!
Thanks to you and another blogger who recently asked the question, I now have an email subscribe link on my page – and I just moved it up to make it more visible. It’s on the right navigation bar!
I should have known you didn’t eat sugar. Clearly we really are twins. xo