I didn’t want to teach tonight.
I never don’t want to teach.
It has been a whirlwind week, between starting a “big girl”
job that requires me to walk out of my house primped and well caffeinated when
the kids leave for school, the impending monthly deadline on the magazine I
edit, and getting adjusted to being the only adult in the house (I thought I
was outnumbered before with three kids.
Now, I’m really outnumbered!)
So, at 6:40 tonight, I finally turned off my computer after
squeezing in 20 minutes of magazine editing time, after getting home from work,
getting Miss F. to Girl Scouts, helping the Dude with his homework, picking up
Miss F. from Girl Scouts, driving her to cheer, and getting home from driving
her to cheer – and raced down to the yoga studio to teach my 7:00 class.
The entire way down I kvetched to myself.
I was hungry.
I still had hours of magazine work ahead, and the deadline
was the next day.
I hadn’t had time to check Twitter in 24 hours! Damn you, real world job!
My new full forehead bangs (yes, Divas! I went for full bangs!) were beginning to
grow in and look heavy.
I have also been really slack with my yoga practice.
Like really, really slack.
Monkey mind has hijacked my meditation practice. I focus on my breath and then with no
warning, the chatter begins and does not stop. I have no patience for holding postures for
long periods of time.
I unlock the studio.
It’s a few minutes before seven and no one is there. For a moment, I think I may have a “no show”
class, which on one hand, relieves me yet on another hand, makes me a little
sad.
Then, around two minutes in front of the hour, two of my “regulars”
walk in.
“Can we do different stuff tonight?” one of the girls asks.
“Sure,” I say, as I gulp.
When I am not practicing, teaching becomes awkward.
I have a slow start, but within a few minutes, I find my rhythm.
When I do, the rest of the hour goes by quickly, filled with down dogs and
three legged dogs, flip dogs and planks, side planks, triangles and headstands.
When I have the women in bridge pose, this conversation takes
place:
“You all know bridge is one of my desert island postures.”
“What are your other desert island postures again?” asks S. one
of my students.
“Triangle and plank. But I’ve been second guessing
these. What about downward facing
dog? How could I go to the desert island
without down dog? I may have to trade one of the other postures.”
“You don’t have to trade, she says.”
“But we can only have three postures on the island,” I say
back in all seriousness.
“It’s your island,” S. says, looking up at my from her bridge
pose. “Take as many with you as you
want.”
You’re right, I think to myself. You’re
absolutely right.
How many times have I limited myself in life, due to a set
of arbitrary rules I’ve applied to a situation?
How many opportunities have I missed or how many conflicts
have I created?
I don’t have time to get into specifics right now, because I
have a magazine to edit and lunches to pack and a big girl job to get to in the
morning after what I anticipate will be too little sleep, but after I get
through all of that, I need to take back control of my island.
I’m so glad I went to yoga tonight.
Namaste, Divas!
What are the rules on
your island – and who makes them????
I’m so proud of you.
Before I tell you how this post is so incredibly timely for me, let me tell you how amazing I think you are. You have so much going on – so much gut-twisting transition in your life right now, yet you still are able to distill the genuine, important moments from your daily life. Incredible.
Now, back to me 🙂 I was just talking with a friend about all the restrictions I put on myself that I haven’t really discussed with anyone or revisited to see if they’re still necessary. The restrictions make me feel safe, similar to how I imagine many prisoners must feel – more secure in jail than out in the world. I’d like to let go of my self-imposed restrictions/limitations and embrace all of me, all of the abundance I have in my life. And I have no idea what the process to do that will look like. Thank you for leading the way! Happy editing!
I can so relate. You always inspire me..thanks!
Limitations. Restrictions. Rules. The corners we box ourselves in, only to whine that we are boxed in. Ugh. Glad your student brought insight and light to your tight corner! Breathe, breathe, and a baby step, or downward facing dog, at a time. 🙂
Way to go! It’s cool how the thing you wanted to do the least gave you control of the things you were struggling to control the most.
Love it! Love the conversation that happened in bridge pose! This is why yoga is so great… it opens up so many possibilities and thoughts in the moment that help make sense out of the stuff that doesn’t.
BTW.. I’m fascinated by your big girl job. Can you share what you are doing? I am kvetching about what my big girl job will be. Magazine editing sounds like a blast!!!
I’m not quire sure how you do it but you do happen to tap into whatever I need to hear at the moment. I come here, read and calm down. I like saving your posts – while it drives me crazy because I just want to read it as soon as I can, I like being able to have the chance to spend time because this is what I needed to hear/read tonight. I so need to take back control of my island too. I make up so many arbitrary rules and then, because I’m stubborn and hard-headed, I refuse to back down. It’s dumb and I need to stop doing that so much and create the environment that’s going to support me and my family. Don’t know if that makes sense because it’s late and I’m working on about 4 hours of sleep 🙂
All this to say thank you. You have so much going on right now so thank you for spending time with us.
I dunno. I think the little people make the rules for my island…at least it seems that way.
Um, I know it’s none of my business, and I hate to sound judgy in any way, but it sounds like you’ve got quite a lot on your plate. It makes me a little nervous. Maybe because I know I couldn’t handle all that you have going on.
Don’t over extend, yoga master! Take care of #1. And have a great weekend!
Thanks, lady!
Mary, I think we will need to lead each other in this lifting of restrictions! I am just reaching the tip of the iceberg of awareness with this stuff – but every day I pray to reach past these self limitations – the ones I am aware of and all of the other ones that I am not aware of! I would like to think my restrictions are no longer necessary – but freedom is as scary as hell, right?
Right back at you! I could not be any luckier to have a place to teach AND learn. xo
I love teaching yoga for this reason and so much more. My students teach me so much – especially when I remember to be open to it. xo
You nailed it, Jessie. It’s always when I don’t want to do something or go somewhere that I know I need to push myself a little more in that direction!
Yes! Yoga is magical in this way. The things I have learned about myself just by the way my brain churns when I am in an asana. I am grateful for the practice every day!
About my “big girl job” :)I’m a marketing admin. I was in promotions/marketing for 15 years but am not feeling ready to go back full time – I was extremely lucky to find a part time opportunity the next town over. The hours mesh with the school day. The people in the office are lovely. If it is indeed the right job, then I am hoping it will grow into “more” when I am ready for more:)
Editing: I freelance edit a small local month magazine. It’s a good gig, and gigs like that one are goldmines when you find them! I would love to have a few more of these!
Oh, Christine, it makes perfect sense to me! As a matter of fact, what you just described has a lot to do with what went wrong with my marriage. I am so hard headed. Not that I am taking all the blame, but if I can begin to see past my own rigidness, doors will fly open. I know they will. I’ve made some strides, especially since yoga teacher training, but I have a long way to go.
Of course I want to spend time with all of you! It’s grounding me amidst all of this stuff going on! xo
Jen, you are the best and in no way are you sounding judgy. You sound caring. And concerned. And I am grateful for that.
Ha! The little people make the rules for my island too – except no one’s gonna take away my 4 yoga poses that I want to take with me – or 5 or 6 or however many I decide! 🙂
Hi there, I didn’t get to comment on this one the other day. What a great realization to make — that we make our own rules and limits. And we can remove them. I have a post banging around in my head about the idea of “choice.” Maybe I will try to work a little on it. Good luck with everything – you do have a lot on your plate!
Hey, Deb, Yes! We 100% absolutely make our own rules and limits – and we are the only ones who can adjust them! And it all begins with our thinking! And as much as I know this rationally, putting it into play is an entirely different animal!
I can’t wait to read your post!
Love this post. It’s often we box ourselves in with no reason for it.