Hugs. Please know that choosing to walk away from a situation that was only causing pain to you and the people you love does not constitute failure. It’s good to be self aware, to know where you might have made a difference. But there’s also the perfect vision of hindsight, which makes it seem like things were much easier than you made them out to be at the time. (They weren’t.)
For many reasons, my parents weren’t meant to stay married. They bulled through for at least nine years after it was really over, probably more like eleven. I was begging them to get a divorce at the age of 8.
You and your ex are making a rational choice to stop hurting each other. Co parenting is sure to be a bitch at times. Watching him go on with his life will be hard for you. (Watching you go on with your life will be hard for him.) But you have made a decision to not stay mired down in anger and frustration. Do you really think your kids wanted to live with two people who couldn’t stand to be in the same room? Or do you think they want two parents who love them and want the best for them? If your marriage was over, it was over. And staying in it past that point would have been the failure.
You are awesome. And you do not have to make excuses for your marriage and its ending. Not to me, not to the Supreme Court, not to yourself.

Well said, and I’m sorry. I am divorced as well. There is only so much trying you can do.

Jessie, I love your comment so much and it’s a testament to what a caring and understanding human being you are – such an amazing soul. There’s an interesting dichotomy here for me, where I have no regrets about leaving the situation I was in yet still wondering at the same time if I could have tried harder. If I could have been more open minded, more accepting, etc. Because it goes against my grain to walk away from anything or anybody. I’m *that* girl who is loyal to the end, friends forever, etc. Maybe part of me will always have that little piece of wondering, yet at the same time, I have moved forward with my life willingly and do not have plans of going back. I just wish our government would grant marriage to anyone willing to work for it – because there are so many who take those vows and don’t.

Thank you Rachel. As I said to Jessie above, there’s that part of me who wonders if I could have tried harder – but you’re right. There is only so much trying you can do.

Good God Ilene, this post was a true true pleasure to read and nearly had me in tears. So often we find ourselves in relationships where we push and push until we just can’t anymore and then we realize we have to push ourselves out of the situation because that’s the only way we can breathe. I’ll never forget the advice a friend gave me when I was in a particularly grueling relationship, that the good times shouldn’t be the exception but the rule. I’ve carried that with me throughout my life with all of my relationships and it’s something that makes me admire the relationships that work, same sex or not. If two people can experience that happiness together most of the time and are willing to fight for it the rest, then how can anyone tell them they’re not allowed? I think it’s a triumph that you were able to recognize what wasn’t working for you or for your family, step away, and that all of that hasn’t shaken your belief in love and your drive to stand for those who are seeking marriage equality. I admire that tremendously and I applaud you for taking this brave step to say it out loud and with so much honesty and emotion. You’re a gem Ilene! <3

Totally crying reading this post. You described the work and hard part of marriage perfectly. It is really, really hard. And people should say that more.
But the end, this line “Any couple willing to hold hands through the darker days and stick it out in the same room, even when that room seems too small for two people, should have the right to stay in that room.” really did me in. Because, yes, yes, yes a million times yes. This is a right. This is not a political issue at all…it is about people. And last time I checked they were all created equal. Well said.

I’ve been watching my sister in law go through a divorce this past year. She has three children all old enough to ask the tough questions that are even harder for her to answer. Thanks for sharing your raw feelings with us. Bravo.

Love is love, that is all.
Your perspective is amazing, wonderful and generous.

WHat a courageous and honest post. Thank you. I didn’t know you were going through all this. My heart goes out to you.

It’s so hard, and as a friend once told me long ago, you have to wake up every day and decide to be married. Every day. Not just once. I will get behind anyone, man/man, man/woman, woman/woman, who can stay in that room that’s too small for 2 people, and somehow make it work. Because as you said, it’s about people. Amen to that!

Yes! Agreed! Anyone willing to try should have that option!

As I said earlier, I just wish we lived in a world where this was a non issue. Because love is love. Hopefully, in this battle, love WILL conquer all.

My friend, I have no words for this beautiful and amazing and heartfelt post. This –> “Any couple willing to hold hands through the darker days and stick it out in the same room, even when that room seems too small for two people, should have the right to stay in that room.” Yes. They deserve that right. But I do also think that you did a courageous thing by stepping away from your marriage if it wasn’t working and rather than stay in it for the sake of marriage, you know? There’s more to say but I’ll save it for our date in April 🙂

Oh, Ilene … such a raw, beautiful, courageous letter. I was trying to explain this debate to my 6 year old today, and it boiled down to this: I think that people who love each other, and who want to do the hard work that being married requires, should be allowed to get married. (We have a number of gay couple friends who are married in other states, so it was easier to give him some examples.)
But I also think that you sell yourself short. It’s not about trying endlessly to make something work when it’s broken. Because if it’s really broken (even if there are no broken bones involved), you can’t fix it, and no amount of trying will change that … it will only exhaust you, and hurt those you love. And we are pretty good judges of brokenness. You don’t strike me as a lazy person when it comes to relationships, friend. You work HARD at them. Your kids are a testament to that fierce and committed love.

Beautifully written. I’m sorry for what you are going through, and though I don’t know you beyond the blog, I don’t think you can blame yourself for your marriage not working. Not every relationship is meant to last, neither romantic nor platonic, and sometimes you reach a point in a any relationship where it’s doing more damage than good. Marriage is hard work, and I completely agree that anyone who is willing to make the effort should have the opportunity.
Thank you for sharing.

Oh, Ilene. You are such a brave, passionate soul and I adore you. Thank you for this beautifully human, honest plea. I admire you and trust your decision and your path. You have my full support. xoxo

I love your honesty in this post. I don’t believe you are a failure at marriage at all. I think that the fact that you realized you weren’t willing to try anymore is something that, unfortunately, many people realize too late. Marriage is hard work. I hope everyone will get the chance to at least try their hand at marriage soon!

We can always agree to disagree on the issue at hand – and please know that if the situation were reversed, I promise to offer the same love and support for you. You, my friend, are a keeper. xo

This is such a heartfelt letter. Very well stated. I’m a huge advocate for marriage and for sticking with it during the hard times. Of course, I’m not any better than anyone else because I have been married two other times. (One was entirely my fault and the second one was a mutual decision to part because I had the chance to be with my one true love and we both knew it.)
I hope that one day you do find a love that is worth trying for. When there is that kind of love, it makes a huge difference. 🙂

Oh, your comment gives me the chills. I am so happy that you got that chance to be with your one true love and when I find mine, I hope I am as wise and as willing as you to fight hard for it. xo

This post reminded me of a gay couple who used to come to the grocery store where I worked in high school. I remember other people I worked with, just a couple, who would talk about them when they came in – not complimentary.
They used to always come to my line, and the guys would tease me about that.
I didn’t know what the big deal was. They complained about each other’s purchases, talked to me and each other, and it was always a fun order to ring up. One time, as they were leaving, one of them thanked me, and I knew why he was … but I honestly should have been the one thanking him.
I hope they are happily married now, getting on each other’s nerves, and talking as much as they did before. And whoever rings up their groceries appreciates them as much as I do.
I love this post.

I absolutely hate that I was gone when you posted this and couldn’t respond right away. Didn’t see it until now. You, my dear, dear friend are one of the strongest people I know. To see that something is no longer working or healthy shows strength to be able to walk away from it. You could have stayed and been miserable but we only get one life and to spend it that way is not okay. Marriage is so freaking hard. I say it all the time and sometimes I get slammed on my blog because I am honest about it, sometimes too honest. What gives anyone the right to decide who can be married or not?? If someone is willing to ride this roller coaster of life with someone else who are we to say it is wrong just because they happen to be the same sex? If really is a topic that sends my blood simmering because with everything wrong in this world, why in the world are we focusing on telling someone who they can or cannot love? Big hugs to you, Ilene for the honesty of this post and tackling a hot topic. Love the letter approach.