Nine Things I {Almost} Know for Sure about Parenthood

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My girls

I’m not the best at this mom thing. There are times, I’m
selfish. I’d rather write a blog post or go for a run than get down on the
floor and play Legos with my kids.  There
are times I don’t listen the way I should.  There are times I yell.

I have come to look upon motherhood as a work in progress.  In some instances, I have let go of certain
ideals.  In other instances, I have
adopted new ones.  Just when I think I
have something figured out, I realize how very little I actually know.       

My oldest child, Miss F., turned nine on Saturday.  There is a distinction about celebrating the
birthday of the oldest, because it also marks the anniversary of the day you became
a mother.  And while I still have a huge
learning curve ahead when it comes to parenting, these are the nine truths that
I live by.   

1. Putting myself
first makes me a better mother

Martyr mom I’m not and have never been.  For the one week I tried it back in 2005, I
was miserable. I adore my kids more than anything and I want what’s best for
them.  But I’ve also learned that when I
take care of myself, whether that means getting my “run” in before Lego time,
or closing my office door for an hour in the evening to write a blog post, I am
a much better mother. 

2.  My kids will become who they are supposed to
be despite my parenting mistakes  

My family would be a great study for nature versus nurture.
I have often said that I made all of my mistakes on Miss F., with her being my
first child.  Given my misfires, which
include taking behavioral expectations to a whole new level, she could have
become the most obedient, uptight child known to man.  Fortunately, nothing stops this girl from
speaking her mind.  And I mean
nothing.  And while she could easily
resent me for being stricter with her than my other two, she has grown into the
kindest, most compassionate soul there is. 

3.  I am more likely to score a date with Justin
Timberlake than retrieve my pre-baby body

Women I know everywhere lament over that post pregnancy
weight or the physical changes they embark after baby.  I actually weigh the same as I did before I
became pregnant, but the weight is in different places than it used to be.  Do I love this fact?  No. 
But there is only so much I can do within the realm of reason to work
with this.  I have a choice.  I can channel valuable mental energy into counting
calories and performing grueling workouts, or I can live my life. 

4.  Your kids will not die from eating crap

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, then you
know what a freak I am about clean eating. 
And while I do believe that processed foods have a huge contribution to
our health problems, there are times that I can’t be bothered with more than
making mac and cheese from a box for dinner (which, I suppose, may explain all
those different places the weight has gone to???).

5.  Teach them the best you can and then let it
go

Just as I have fumbled and made mistakes as a parent, your
kids are going to fumble and make mistakes too. 
And it’s going to drive you crazy, especially when you see it
coming.  Miss F. had some social problems
in school last year that had me acting like a helicopter parent.  I was hovering, all right.  I was totally trying to control the
problem. 

Here’s the ugly truth
about my micro-parenting – when I am trying that hard to manage her life, it’s
because I am motivated by my own agenda and baggage. 

I was “that kid” back in the second and third grade, awkward,
not very popular, the last to get picked for kick ball.   Most of us would rather throw ourselves in
front of a locomotive than want our kids to have that kind of social status,
but we can only do so much to secure their ranking in this world.  If
your kids have a place to come home to where they are loved and accepted
unconditionally, the rest won’t matter quite as much.  Furthermore,
than unconditional love goes a lot farther than your trying to control.  

6. Love them for who
they are

Unless my kids are putting themselves or someone else in
danger, and unless they are breaking a significant social or moral code, I have
learned to teach without trying to change and I have learned to suggest without
trying to control.   Embrace them for their flaws in a way that you wish someone would
embrace you for yours.

7. Have mentors

Supposedly this parenting thing is instinctual, but at times,
not so much for me.  I am lucky that I
have great role models.  Some of the
best, most inspiring advice I have gotten of recent has come from Kim Hall, one
of my favorite bloggers.   Go meet
her.  She rocks.  

8. Never use your
children as an excuse to not pursue the things you love

There is no better surefire way to die with regrets and
resentments than to use your kids as your excuse to not chase your dream.  If there is something you really want to do,
whether it be go to school, change careers, or pursue a hobby, find a way to do
it.  You might lose sleep. You might go
into debt.  You might have to give up a
substantial amount of time with your children for a specific period. 

Remember you have choices. It’s ok to choose your kids over another
life goal because after children, priorities shift.  But if you have that burning in your heart to
do something, you’d better find a way. 

Also, have the honest conversation with yourself.  Do you
really not have the time because of your children or are you using them to mask
your fear?

9.  Give into missing socks

Is the missing sock worth losing your serenity over? They
are going to go missing.  Give up on
trying to find them and accept they’re gone forever.  Go to Target and buy a new pack.

###

It’s messy, this parenting stuff.  It has humbled me the way nothing else ever has.  But it has also made me push myself harder than
I ever thought possible.  It’s as
daunting as it is rewarding and as terrifying as it is cool.   I have some more mistakes in me, for sure,
but hopefully a victory or two as well.   I’m thinking mac and cheese would be the
perfect main course for that next victory dinner.  

~Namaste

 

What are your tried
and true lessons of parenting? 

 

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Comments

Nine Things I {Almost} Know for Sure about Parenthood — 50 Comments

  1. Number five is two separate things for me. I don’t want to microparent, but for me, that would mean constantly being on them to finish X or do Y. And, quite frankly, I’m guilty as sin of doing that, just for the sake of accuracy. As much as I don’t mean to, I DO microparent more than I want. Partially, it goes with the territory of autism, partially, I’m an accidental control freak.
    But I think that I have so far been able to stay the hell out of their social lives, and yet also carve them the space to make their way. By placing them in a school for other kids on the spectrum, I’m allowing them to be surrounded by their peers. All those kids have experienced some kind of ostracism and been scarred by bullying in some way. They go out of their way to help each other and reach out to each other and work with each other’s quirks much better than many adults I know. Our ballet is strange, too, in that the kids aren’t being pressured by their mothers to be anorexic stick figures.
    In fact, one of the ballerinas overheard the youth company sitting in the dressing rooms complaining they were fat (they aren’t) and she’s hoping to start teaching them a dance oriented health/nutrition class during their regular dance time, so that they can get a sense of the difference between athleticism and anorexia. Also, she told their parents. We generally agree that the problem is one created outside the ballet, by peers in school, but because these young women are focused on their bodies while they workout, and because ballet CAN devolve into a lifetime of body image issues, she’s taking steps to stop the problem now.
    Because this attitude emanates from the company, the kids who join aren’t the stereotypical ballet students, and even the intense dance moms who probably put their kids in because of their own failed ballet dreams, are coming into line with a philosophy of support rather than push. And, again, this creates an inclusive environment where the kids aren’t feeling a sense of being less than their peers and aren’t constantly shoving each other out of the way. There’s room for individuality, and I don’t have to microparent at that level.
    I’m way off topic now, and I seem to have no conclusion…(let’s see if the evil comment section allows this)

  3. Oh, this is one of my favorite posts ever!! EVERY. SINGLE. POINT is fantastic. #5 is just so insightful I can hardly stand it. That is truth my friend. WELL DONE!! –Lisa

  4. As someone who doesn’t have children and can’t imagine having them anytime in the near future, there’s only so much I can relate to in your post. But when I thought about it some, I realized that even without kids, a lot of what you said here resonates, and it hits the target head on. I’m going to have to bookmark this post for that fated day when I am with child (christ! what a terrifying thought!), but until then I think I can actually apply some of your lessons into my current relationships. Besides, missing socks screw with everyone. You just have to learn how to let it go. 🙂

  5. Clearly, the evil comment section allowed for your today! Yay! I understand being on top of your kids to get them to do what they need to do. I’m a control freak in that way as well. If I am not 100% on top of my kids in the few minutes leading up to the time they have to get onto the bus, they would NEVER make it to school! But I also get and love what you are saying about their school and their dance company. I don’t think you are microparenting to find an environment for your kids, such as their school, where they will feel included. However, I do know a lot of parents who broker friendships for their kids to make sure they wind up in the “right” clique – which I think is too much. I don’t want my children getting mixed up with kids who cause trouble, but I am not seeking out “popular” kids for play dates either. I think like anything else this is about balance versus extremes!

  8. You know, you’re right – I think a lot of the same principles apply to any relationship. Don’t try to control, embrace their flaws, love unconditionally, yet put yourself first. I can get with all that! And yes, as far as the socks, are concerned – must let that one go!

  9. Ilene – this is brilliant. Possibly my favorite post of yours (and that’s saying a lot!). Wisdom and insight and humility – the best blend of each. Well done on this parenting gig and happy, happy birthday to Miss F. xoxo

  11. I’m pretty sure 9 is my favorite. I’m not a mommy yet so no tried and true lessons but I love this list!

  13. I agree – this might be one of my favorite posts from you. All of these ring true and this pretty much captures the huge lessons I’ve had to come to terms with in my 6 years of parenting. Obviously #9 is the most useful lesson 🙂
    Happy Happy Birthday to Miss F!!!

  19. Okay- so that list ROCKS!!! I agree with every single one of them!!! I wanted to pick one favorite to comment on, but seriously…they are ALL my favorite. I can’t pick one. Beautifully written and oh how I can relate! 🙂

  20. Oh Ilene. This is perfect.
    You are giving me an insight, as I am a mere 3 years into this parenting gig. And I’m trying to convince myself that my 3 year old will be okay, despite his not-great diet due to pickiness. That they will be who they’ll be despite our mistakes.
    Thank you.

  21. Oh socks! The love/hate relationship I have with socks. You’re right, though! I should just let it go and buy new ones. Or let the kids wear mis-matched ones. They like doing that!

  23. He will be fine despite the picky eating! I am the biggest food freak in the world and I have finally succumbed to this. He will be fine living on mac and cheese and they will all be fine despite our mistakes. Thank you so much for your lovely comment! xo

  25. Such a great post… and I’m with you on a lot of this, but given my surgically reduced dinner company last week, I feel you on #3… I, too, weigh the same, give or take 5 lbs and it just doesn’t look the same… but apparently, although I have no personal experience with this, surgery can get you close! 😉

  26. I love this post! I have so so so much to learn. I struggle with making time for myself and not using my kids as an excuse. I really find it hard to be a mum and be me. I feel like Ive put me on hold sometimes and I know I need to be “me and the mum”. I also agree with eating junk sometimes won’t kill them. When my kids started eating I went crazy trying keep it all clean. Now I live and let live more.

  27. Nope that weight of mine does not look the same. As a matter of fact, after I check email, I am getting on my treadmill. I can’t eat half of what I used to it seems, to maintain that weight either. But good to know about surgery – LOL!

  28. Jess, I totally understand about being crazy with the food! I wouldn’t let me kids drink juice boxes, even! But I have had to lighten up and let go just to make MY life management and besides, junk good really is part of the fun of childhood – in moderation – of course!
    And the balance between me and being a mom is a constant toggle – but I must never lose sight of the “me” part – that would make for a miserable person. Thank you so much for your comment!

  29. I love this so much. If there’s one thing I have discovered in my almost-nine years in this gig, it is that there is always something to learn. I love your message of letting them be, relaxing about the food and the socks and giving yourself time as a mom. So very true!

  30. Three years into it here, and so much learning. I think #4 is a big one for me. We know so much more about processed foods these days and I am also very into clean eating and whole foods, but I ate some crap as a kid sometimes, and lived to tell the tale! This morning the problem is Eggo waffles. They are in our freezer and my daughter wants them so badly and I think they’re terrible, but she’s really persistent..

  31. I love this post, Ilene. I 100% agree with items 1-8. I will not, however, give up on my missing socks. I know they are somewhere. And, I know that when I find them I will be so excited that I have the match upstairs in my missing sock drawer. And, #2? I 100% agree. They will become who they are no matter how hard we try to steer them. All we can do is guide them and hope for the best.

  32. This is AWESOME! What a great post – I am sharing!
    PS. I’d love to know where the socks all disappear to. I started buying the same sports socks for everyone…then it doesn’t matter whose basket they go into!

  33. I LOVE everything about this post, and agree with every single one of these! I always wonder about what my daughters will grow up to be, but I definitely agree with #2 and #5! Stopping in from SITS!

  34. Add me to the list of readers that love this post. It hit the nail on the head with every point. Oh, and when I asked myself that question the answer was “masking my own fears”. And I’ve given up on the socks. I’m sharing this good advice. 🙂

  35. I have often heard my Irish mother-in-law say that your kids grow up despite you, not because of you… very akin to your #2. It’s so true! And as for #3, I am almost 2 years out from my last baby and am trying HARD to accept this body as is vs. thinking I’ll EVER return to my pre-babies body, but that’s a hard one for me. Mostly because I didn’t appreciate AT ALL the pre-baby figure I had and I’d give just about anything to have it back and dress it up now!!! 🙂

  37. Great post. I agree with all of this!
    Oh, and my kids get junk on a daily basis. For dessert. Not a lot of it but hey, a candy bar isn’t going to make anyone keel over.

  39. I used to stress over every thing they put in their mouths – so the “eating crap” is a huge leap for me! But a few waffles are OK or a little mac and cheese. I guess it’s the “exception” versus the rule that makes it OK for me. Or 20% versus 80. And I really do believe that those “special treats” are an important part of childhood!

  43. Yup. I have gotten that “masking my own fears” answer too on a lot of things when I get really honest with myself. The past few years I seem to have broken out from a lot of things on that front, but I still have a way to go. I say we join hands and jump – because how scary can it really be for the 2 of us to set out and do the things that we were born to meant to do? And what an injustice it would be if we never did them!

  44. Oh, Megan! If I could only dress up my pre-baby body now! Because 9 years later I have a ton more self acceptance and can look back at what a gem of a figure I actually had in those days! But I am willing to work with what I have. And yes, I love what your MIL has to say. Our kids will be fine, despite us!

  48. Thanks, Missy. Your recent post about understanding how your child manages stress resonated with me so much, because I do think to parent the best we can, we have to meet them in their space and work with who they are versus who we want them to be. Right?

  49. Yes to all of those, but number 4 is such a struggle!
    I’m afraid my kids have acquired some not so great habits in the nasty food department. We spent the weekend with my mother who had cabinets of processed junk and served us full fat hamburgers, two nights in a row (no wonder I’ve grown up so confused about food)!
    If I could put my kids on a cleanse for a week I would. Instead… back to healthy habits tomorrow.
    Which sort of leads into number five. Right?

  50. I spent years insisting that my kids have the cleanest diets in the world. I made junk food totally taboo and only allowed them to eat sweets at birthday parties and special occasions – essentially making them as neurotic about food as I am! This year, I have let go of all of it. Too much else to be concerned with and taking them for self serve Fro Yo and fast food has become our bonding agent. But again, I don’t want to tip too much in the other direction. Moderation, right? But then again, what’s that?