S. stood outside the driver’s side window.
“Are you driving?” He shouted through the glass.
“Do you want me to?”
“No.”
I’m not surprised by this. In our 16 years of knowing each other, I can count the times I was behind the wheel with S. as a passenger.
I jump out of the car and walk around to the passenger side and get in, while S. adjusts the mirrors.
“It’s dirty in here. Sorry about that,” I say, as S. inspects the car that was once his, the car he’ll tell you I stole, but it was a fair trade, for a slice of pizza and a bottle of Coke. S. kept this car much neater than I ever have, he, the Felix Unger to my Oscar Madison. I’m often surprised that he didn’t call it quits on me during year one, given how I let papers pile up on my desk – and the way I mangle the toothpaste tube.
“You need to replace the steering wheel cover,” S. says. Last month when he came to visit the kids, he bought me a tire gage and showed me how to use it. I had been spoiled in never having to once think about how to maintain these things.
We drive to Brooklyn in comfortable silence, with S. and I in front, and the kids in the back with my mother. S. had agreed to share his “day with the kids” with my brother and his family, who I wanted to spend time with during our short trip to New Jersey for Thanksgiving break.
I had no desire to travel last week. The timing felt wrong. In the week leading up to our departure, big things happened with my business. I signed the lease. I purchased the equipment I needed to renovate my space. I submitted my building permit application to Town Hall, and was aiming for a 90 day lead time to open my doors. The holiday felt like an inconvenience.
In addition, I had been feeling the pull for weeks, of obligation and demand, of family and friends, who knew we would be in town and expected to see us. I was new at this game, being the out of towner dropping in for a visit, and wasn’t prepared for the expectations and disappointments and politics of it all.
It was the first time I worked with S. as a long distance parent in his home state. There were scheduling dilemmas, and miscommunications, and dozens of rookie mistakes. We butted heads. We disagreed. We compromised. One of the ironies of divorce, for me, is that I’ve learned to cooperate with my ex in a way that I wasn’t able or willing to in marriage.
There were great moments, too, many of them. From the ping pong contest in my brother’s living room, to Thanksgiving dinner with our old back yard neighbors, to my morning runs along the Long Brach pier, to eating much missed, really good pizza. There were the visits with my best girlfriends, with each one, feeling as if we picked up exactly where we left off.
There was also the gift of distance from our new home, and the perspective that distance gives you. There were moments, more than once, that through getting caught up with friends, I saw and felt and appreciated the progress we’ve made in creating a new life for ourselves. New friendships, the feeling of establishing roots, my seizing the opportunity to chase a dream.
On Friday night, exactly three months and two weeks after leaving for a tiny island off the coast of North Carolina, with a car load of kids and our clothes and with no real plans except to figure out what was next, I got behind the wheel of the car that once belonged to S., to leave the place I used to call home where I now vacation, to go back to the place I once vacationed that I now call home.
The kids and I headed south, back to the life we’ve begun to create. It’s a picture that we’ve started to paint and while we’re still mulling over details, the initial sketch looks promising.
Every masterpiece begins with the same blank canvas.
xo
I’m so glad you got some pizza! I’m also loving the way that you are getting along with the ex and raising the kids together. It truly is beautiful and when they are grown they will appreciate everything the two of you did for them.
Sounds like a wonderful holiday weekend!
Carla recently posted…Michelle at A Dish of Daily Life Dishes About It All
The pizza? Divine. My mouth is still watering for it. But I won’t have to wait long for another slice, since we’re headed north again for Christmas. As as far as the ex and me. I feel very grateful that we have both been willing to put our kids first. Please God it will always be this way. Thanks Carla!
I love the last two paragraphs. I feel like it’s been the story of my life a few times, but I never knew how to word it the way you just did.
And I really, really, really want pizza. Soon?
Tamara recently posted…And This Is How It’s Done.
I think we get as many blank canvases as we want – or need for that matter. This isn’t my first and it certainly wont be my last. I think all of us could benefit from being willing to clean the slate more. And yes, I really can’t wait to eat pizza with you!
It’s all so exciting. I cannot wait to hear how your canvas starts to color…post by post. I wish you so much luck and love on your journey!
Also so jealous of the runs on the pier – sounds divine!
Allie recently posted…‘Twas the Night Before A Bloggy Thanksgiving
Thank you my friend. I thought of you often – the women who inspired me to run faster – as I hightailed it up that pier – as fast as my legs could carry me. I would love to run with you one day…except it would be more like I’d be chasing after you out of breath than side by side!
Yay for good pizza!
It sounds like you have exciting things going on. Can’t wait to hear more about your business.
Shell recently posted…There’s No Room for an Elf on My Shelf
Crazy, exciting, scary, and often all at the same time. But it’s good, Shell – it’s nice to be as fully engaged in life as I am right now. That in itself is a gift. And yay for good pizza! xo
I love the image of creating your masterpieces with your new canvases; I am so glad things are taking shape and that you are choosing your colours. And, of course, that you were able to have some of your most beloved pizza. It sounds like a great trip. 🙂
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted…Embraced
It’s as if I had forgotten what good pizza tasted like! It was quite a reunion! And yes, I love the image too – of the masterpiece. I can’t wait to see what it looks like!
I’m so glad to hear things are shaping up nicely (it sounds) with your business! (And I can definitely relate to the timing of life things not meshing with business things…but I’d like to think it all has a way of working out the way it’s supposed to in the end.) It sounds like you had a wonderful trip to Jersey. I missed it this year.
Bev recently posted…Looking for a unique holiday shopping experience? Check out the Boston Handmade Holiday Gallery!
I do believe life has a way of working out as it’s supposed to – new businesses and all.New Jersey missed you too this year! But what a wonderful reason you had to stay close to home. xo
Yay for getting decent pizza!
It’s amazing how much more relaxed I am around my ex-husband when it comes to co-parenting our daughter. I truly believe that she lucked out with getting the best of two worlds 🙂
Ilene, I am so freakin’ excited to see your business take shape. I really want to know everything about it! And if there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know. For realz. xox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted…2 years ago
Oh, Kerstin – our lives are parallel in so many ways. I’m glad you can relate to the co=parenting thing and I have no doubt that you and your ex have nailed this. And I can’t thank you enough for your support on the business end. I am in uncharted territory – for me. But loving every step of this crazy wild goose chase. xo
Oh, I’ve been hoping your few weeks of not posting meant that things were busy in a good way. So glad to hear the business end is going well. And the personal end too. And the pizza.
Dana recently posted…Ask Away, Tamara!
Thank you for your good wishes – on all three fronts! Sometimes, usually, with me, the not posting means I’m into something new – and I’m having to process it enough to tell you all about it. Thank you for being here every time I drop back in. xo
PIZZA! Hooray for pizza! And glad you had a nice trip back. Sometimes distance helps us to see what was once familiar in a much more clear way. 🙂
Natalie DeYoung recently posted…Three Years Ago
You are dead on about distance. The distance from NJ has given me clarity and so has the distance from this new place. I can always see things more clearly from a few feet away. I think that holds true for most of us!
So many wonderful things in this, Ilene! I love that you’re finding new ways to communicate and co-parent, despite the challenges. Your children are so lucky to have such a kick-ass mama! And I love that you are beginning to see NC as your home. And I can’t wait to hear about the beautiful picture you are painting with your family and business. The future is looking very bright for you! Now, if only you could find some decent pizza at home…
Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama recently posted…Holiday Deals for Runners, Mamas and Other Awesome People
Pizza would fill out that canvas perfectly, Nicole! Thank you for all of your enthusiasm for what’s going on in this little corner of the world. xo
So many exciting things going on. I am so happy for you, Ilene. If you ask me, there’s nothing better to work with than a blank canvas. You’ll fill it beautifully.
another jennifer recently posted…The Beginning of the End of AIDS + Buying (RED) on World AIDS Day
Thanks Jen. The blank canvas is indeed quite exciting. I feel lucky to have it.
Oh man- too much…WAY too much to say. I can only imagine all the emotions of leaving in the midst of so many big unfinished projects, and then the return of what was so recently and yet so long ago, called home.
I can’t stand it. We need to talk. ASAP. This post isn’t enough. And I totally dropped the ball Wednesday!!! (OY) Crazy cluster weekend here, but I have a feeling you have lots more to tell. 😉
Tomorrow night? Perhaps? If not, tomorrow during the day? You just let me know. I miss you so much it actually hurts.
You. Your many beautiful canvases that you have displayed just since I’ve known you- how you clear them, and begin again, to sketch…shading and erasing scratches here and there, adding more color and design and dignity. All just in the short time I have been privileged to know you. Your “art” is honorable and gorgeous- always.
Chris Carter recently posted…Devotional Diary: Breathe
I’m trying to think how many canvases I’ve pulled out and started on and ripped up and torn apart and started over since I’ve known you. The good news is that there is a very large supply of these I guess! And I am so glad you are here to take a second glance at my art. I can never 100% trust my own eye. But you know this. xo
I’m so glad you did have a good Thanksgiving even though the details were complicated in the beginning. It is hard traveling back and forth when going to visit family. When I go see my parents at Christmas, I would also love to see my friends in that area but it’s so hard to squeeze everything in! Congrats on the lease girl, so proud of you!
Natalie recently posted…A Fulfilling Weekend
Thanks my friend! It is really hard to squeeze it all in. I lived and learned from this trip. It will never be perfect but hopefully better as time goes on!
Smiling. So glad you got your pizza and that your holiday was filled with people who matter to you. Sending lots of love your way. xoxo
Lisa recently posted…Reverb 13 Day 1: Heavy
And sending lots of love right back at you! Thanks for sharing this moment in time with me! xo
The way you co parent with your ex is admirable! I hope everything goes brilliantly with your new business and canvas!
Jess recently posted…Re-gifting etiquette
Thank you for all of the positive wishes, Jess! May it be brilliant for all of us – always.
You got your pizza!! Thank goodness!!
It is tricky being the out of town traveling family member, isn’t it? There are definitely politics at play with how long you stay where, who gets you for a meal vs a visit. It can cause a stir!
No wonder the holiday felt a bit like an intrusion when it fell…you have SO much happening with your business. How so exciting!! You’ve done so much in such a short amount of time. You are a marvel!! I love it when good things happen for good people.
I loved when you wrote “to leave the place I used to call home where I now vacation, to go back to the place I once vacationed that I now call home”…what a perfect circle. There is just a wonderful symmetry there! 🙂 –Lisa
I am hoping I go into Christmas (yikes! going back in two weeks for Christmas – can you believe that?)with a clearer picture of how to handle being the out of town family member. Maybe? Maybe not? We shall see! And thank you for your support with all of the things whirling around in my life. xo
I can see an exciting picture emerging on your new canvas, Ilene.
xo
Alison recently posted…That Time I Got A Good Idea
Let’s hear it for exciting pictures for all of us! xo
Hear hear to blank canvases! You’re right… There are many blank canavas’ in a life. I think the best part is when you just start adding the colors!
Martha recently posted…Mad Men Me Mad
I love that you and I are adding colors at the same time!
I don’t know that I have anything spectacular to add today other than I love your writing and your beautiful soul
Amanda @runtothefinish recently posted…Freggies, #bestfoot and workout link up
Thank you my sweet friend. xo
I totally understand the feeling of a holiday seeming like an inconvenience especially when you have so much to do and being pulled in many directions. But sometimes that inconvenience turns out to be a great experience. It’s amazing how life came come full circle. The familiar becomes the unfamiliar and vice versa.
Hope recently posted…5K…Fun K race recap.
I love when the unfamiliar becomes the familiar. It’s a great space to move into. And I agree – that sometimes, we never know the benefits we’ll receive from indulging in the inconvenient.
Glad you got your pizza fix and that you and S were able to co-parent. I found that the best way to handle being the out of towner was to ask my mom to let me host an open house. We picked a day and said, ‘Drop in between x and x” if you want to be sure to see us. That took some of the pressure off!
Single Mom in the South recently posted…Not Worried
I love the open house idea! I am going to have to use that!
Happy Turkey Day!!!!
Jester Queen recently posted…All the fish
Same to you my sweet friend!
Jersey Girl- I’m SO glad you got your pizza BUT I’m SO glad you are home for a couple of weeks!!! I guess I need to change your nickname now, ’cause your one of us now… Tar Heel & everything (BTW- if you watched last night don’t watch again b/c you may have jinxed it, if you didn’t watch you need to watch on 12/4- ACC basketball- we are very superstitious…just sayin’) I love you, Ilene! XO, friend!! Meetup after the New Year, As Si from Duck Dynasty says “it’s on, like donkey kong” xoxo! ~A~
Amber Day Hicks recently posted…Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!!!
January. Maybe even you and Kristen D. in one weekend? That’s would be heaven for me!
Wow – so exciting that you have started big time into your new business!!
And – glad you got to go home/new vacation destination for the holidays!!
Nice that you got to be together with everyone instead of sharing the kids.
Kim recently posted…Not Elegant just very Festive
Thanks, Kim. Yes – full steam ahead with the business and I have a new vacation destination for sure!
You are truly amazing. I’m excited to hear about your new business and I think it is admirable the way you have been able to deal with all the curveballs in your life. Good luck, my friend! Hugs!
Michelle recently posted…Bookboard Reading Service Giveaway!
And hugs right back at you! As for those curve balls, I’m not the best ball player, but I’ve learned to duck and jump around and that seems to keep me going!
Oh, how I LOVE this post. Upside down, turned around, but complete, and whole. You’ve done such amazing things in such a short time … because I think you were really ready, and your heart was open. Happy Thanksgiving, indeed!
Justine recently posted…On Believing, and Thoughts On Being Santa
It’s amazing what happens when we’re ready and our hearts our open, right? There’s a windfall waiting. Always.
I loved every bit of this post. I’m glad you got a chance to get back “home” for the holidays. I know the feeling well, when the place you no longer call home still comes with all of the familiar sights and sounds. I can’t wait to hear about your new coffee shop!
NJ @ A Cookie Before Dinner recently posted…My Favorite Holiday Songs
It’s not a coffee shop…but I’ll be telling you all about it soon. Hopefully very soon. Thanks for your good wishes! xo
I love the idea of a masterpiece starting off as a blank canvas. It’s a beautiful way to look at starting over.
Akaleistar recently posted…Why Don’t You…?
Starting over, revising, improvising, I think if we’re lucky in this life, we get as many blank canvases as we need.
I have nothing more to say than I’m glad your still on the virtual airwaves…and I’ll gladly buy what you’re selling in NC when I visit this summer. (Even if it’s cow poop.)
Michelle recently posted…Pricing for Photography: The Philosophy Behind My Portrait Pricing
Come down! Come down! Please! Or..on one of my back and forths, I will gladly stop into B’more to see you! xo
Ilene, congrats on signing that lease and getting moving on your new business. Wishing you all the best with the “details.” And you always have a line, in everything you write, that jumps out at me. I love that about your stories, the “moment of truth” I guess. I’m glad you have the courage to write them because you always make me think.
Stephanie recently posted…Christmas Song Mix – Twisted Mix Tape 36
I am humbled by this Steph, especially since on any given day I question and second guess myself a thousand times..before that moment of truth appears. But I’m always grateful when it comes. And always grateful to share it. xo
It’s amazing to me how you and S have transitioned to a compromising co parenting state. I imagine that calls for a bit of reminiscing and wondering. You all are doing a great job. I’m glad you got to enjoy your peeps and eat good pizza 🙂
Joi @ Rx Fitness Lady recently posted…35 Ways to Celebrate Your Blogoversary
Wait, wait, wait… I know I’m out of the loop these days, but I tried to catch up and I can’t figure out what you are signing the lease for?? Which business? Are you opening a yoga studio??? Please say yes!
In any case, this was my favorite line: “I got behind the wheel of the car that once belonged to S., to leave the place I used to call home where I now vacation, to go back to the place I once vacationed that I now call home.”
Love your writing, love your courage. Big hug.
Deb @ Urban Moo Cow recently posted…On Marching to the Beat of Your Own Jamboree
Ilene, I am amazed at the way you and your ex are really making the best of a difficult situation. The two of you must be incredibly mature people and you seem to have your priorities in the right place when it comes to your kids.
Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted…The Mother of All Meltdowns: Gift Idea and Giveaway!
Finally, this girl gets some decent pizza. I am really excited to hear about the big things happening for you and your business. It’s really fascinating to hear how you and your ex are able to relate to each other differently now and that you find yourself able to compromise. It’s funny how that works, but it makes sense. Sometimes, not being together and not being obligated to compromise makes it easier to do. I’m glad you had a good trip.
Stevie recently posted…Ask Away Friday with Michelle of A Dish of Daily Life
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We are headed home at Christmas for our first visit home since leaving this summer. Your mention of the expectations and disappointments hits home, since I know we have many more places and people we’d like to see than we have time.
Glad you are settling into your new life, and congrats on moving ahead in your business!
Kim recently posted…Spending less at Christmas yields more joy